i'm not doing well

OK so this ended up getting out of hand, but I don't have any other place to get it out of my system.

I'm feeling very depressed lately. I can't seem to get myself up to do the things that need to be done - other than the ones that HAVE to be done, like taking care of the kiddos. It was going along pretty well and then I came to the end of my thread - literally and figuratively. In my determination to finish some of my crafty projects I returned to the aprons. This was no easy feat, I mean just having the supplies out in the presence of the kids is a challenge. Then I ran out of bobbin when I was 3/4 done with the final round of top stitching on apron 1. Not a big problem normally (well it is to the perfectionist side of me but the action side of me is a screw-up so the perfectionist is learning to chill), but in this instance I apparently picked out the only bobbin that doesn't have a matching spool. Going to the store, especially a specialty store, is incredibly difficult. This is prime example of why I don't get my projects completed - things that in-and-of themselves are little, but in my circumstances are big.

It was the beginning of bad patch. I hosted a dual baby shower in a house I hate. My husband's separation date arrived. I've had May wrong in my head for the whole month and almost missed by best friend's daughter's christening. As it was we couldn't find them in the church complex and missed most of the short ceremony. We raced to our other, rare, social event and ended up sitting next to 2 families that, well there's no single word for it. The women are nice and if I am ever alone with them conversation is OK, but if others are around I get left out. This time was no exception. The women talked, to each other, most of the time about shopping. I got a chance to interject a question about vacations and then they returned to their own world. I made a little joke about a shared name to one of the husbands and was completely ignored -worse really, he looked at me as I spoke and then turned away. My husband was so uncomfortable that he walked around while he ate rather than sit with us (thanks). Their daughters are clique-ish too, one of them even telling my daughters not to laugh along with them. The girls got up to go with my husband so I sat there "alone" until I was done feeding the baby and then moved to the group of women that I normally socialize with. I have never felt that cliques really existed in our club until that day. I went on a little bit of a tangent I guess it bothered me more than I realized.

Finances are hard right now too. Every time we get to a point of being able to afford improvements in our lives, something crops up that will take years to recover from. When my husband sold a large chunk of stock, he decided to quit working altogether and go back to school - for 5 years. Just after graduation, he injured himself because he has a policy of brute force to fix problems (not talking about fighting) and we had to buy private insurance and would still have bills. When we began to see some savings from his job (which he didn't start until a year after graduation) he gets laid off. We discover that we were lied to about the insurance and it won't cover the bills so we're suddenly $17,000 in debt plus the $3000 we forked over for bogus insurance. There are no car seats small enough to fit 3 of them in my car when the baby turns 1 at the end of the week. Because of the $17,000 we can no longer afford "new" cars - that amount just so happens to be the same amount we could finance with some stretch to make payments on a particular used minivan with the features we need/want. My husband's suggestion is "I have a temp job and I can do freelance, let's spend the severance package on the van" Yeah, OK a TEMP job (consulting for the company that just laid him off) and freelancing where he makes 70% of his salary, if he worked 2080 hours a year, and he has a terrible work ethic on. (this is a SORE point for me, he goes out to a coffee shop, sits there for 3 hours and only does one hour of billable work and complains constantly that he has this work to do but I won't let him get it done)

I'm just so tired of barely keeping our heads above water. I get enough time to myself that I don't go completely crazy but not enough that I feel satisfied with myself. When he has a regular job, we have enough money to pay bills but not enough for nice used cars, dance lessons, "cosmetic" dental work, to replace the broken couch, buy the kids actual beds, cover the bare back splash, without going into debt... And what does get done around here, gets done in such a crappy way that I don't enjoy it - even when we hire people. My husband isn't so bad a guy that divorce is obvious, but I can't stand sharing this house with him. My parents love me, but disappoint me mostly through favoring my sister with favors to the point that I often can't get the help I need when I really need it because they are helping her. I've developed an attitude of apathy about housework that I'm having a terrible time getting over. I'm just tired and I don't know what to do.