I have been blessed with 2 wonderful friends. One came to me through a job we both ended up hating but, was the start of our 9 year friendship. We are both overall low maintenance. We are laid back about most things but, are both particular about things in the same areas of life. We are a similar mix of positive and negative out looks. It is an easy but strong friendship surviving her 3 year stint working in another country (from when I was pregnant with my first to when I was pregnant with my 3rd) and a 45 minute drive between our houses. She is intelligent, well spoken, artistic, and confident. She recently had her first child, who looks exactly like her. Unless her husband is holding the baby, then she looks exactly like him! My husband and I are both so glad to be sharing this phase of our lives with them.
The other arrived in my life about 3 years ago. I was pregnant with my second and standing at the sink doing dishes - barefoot, no less! The blinds were open so I could see the house next to / behind us (we live on a corner) that was for sale. A car drove up and a couple who looked to be about the same age as I, got out of the car. I was happy to see them and thought to myself "It would be great if they have young kids too" At that same time she was going around to the passenger side of the car to get her daughter out! Better still, her daughter looked to be about the same age as mine! I was elated. Turns out she is a few weeks older than I and her daughter is a few months older than mine. She is also a lot like me. We both like crafts, we're adventerous in our own way, we have a high school, band geek past (we still have a little of it), and we're similar parents. She just had her second child - a little more than 12 hours ago actually. She's outgoing, EASY to like, and has a very sunny outlook. My husband and I couldn't have wished for better neighbors.
I'm just very blessed to have them both in my life with the added bonus that their husbands and mine like each other too.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
"I like them now"
My friend's eldest is a sweet but, sensitive boy. He likes things a particular way (don't most of us) but, hasn't quite built up the tools he needs to deal with things being different or difficult- he's only 5. One of the challenges to building our friendship would be how well our kids play together - it's just no fun socializing if the kids are squabbling. As we were all getting in our cars he said to his mother, "I had fun today, I like them now!" I got a kick out of that though, in all seriousness, I'm glad he said it.
My husband has friends whose 3rd and 4th children are the same ages as our first 2. (the wife's first 2 are late teen/early 20's) A year or 2 ago their daughter gave our eldest her first experience of someone being truly just mean. She suddenly approached us and shoved our girl so hard that she fell on the floor. She didn't want to go near them for a long time. After a few months of avoidance (precipitated by the fact that the mom didn't say one word to her daughter and the dad just said the child's name in a disapproving tone) my husband simply told him "We don't come over because our kid is still upset at how mean your kid was to her." I never did hear what the reply was but, they're still friends; they just do things without kids. That wouldn't be so easy for a woman especially if they became friends after having kids.
Anyway, I'm glad we had a good play date yesterday.
My husband has friends whose 3rd and 4th children are the same ages as our first 2. (the wife's first 2 are late teen/early 20's) A year or 2 ago their daughter gave our eldest her first experience of someone being truly just mean. She suddenly approached us and shoved our girl so hard that she fell on the floor. She didn't want to go near them for a long time. After a few months of avoidance (precipitated by the fact that the mom didn't say one word to her daughter and the dad just said the child's name in a disapproving tone) my husband simply told him "We don't come over because our kid is still upset at how mean your kid was to her." I never did hear what the reply was but, they're still friends; they just do things without kids. That wouldn't be so easy for a woman especially if they became friends after having kids.
Anyway, I'm glad we had a good play date yesterday.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Let it go...
There is a cliche that if you let something go free, it will return to you if it was meant to be - or some similar rhyme. I was just going to update this entry with the news that my friend e-mailed to ask if I wanted to get together next week. Before starting this though, I re-read what I wrote. It didn't quite come out as I meant. First, I did not mean that I was writing her off just that I wasn't going to put an emotional importance on a potential friendship. I'm just not going about things the right way. I was looking for validation in the actions of others while I still don't have my own actions under control, ie making calls, writing notes, remembering birthdays and anniversaries. I realized that I'm searching for a soul-mate of sorts and I have to stop searching and start growing. If I'm meant to have that kind of relationship it will come only after I've got myself right. It's that whole annoying self-help attitude of you gotta love yourself first.
Second, it sort of sounded like I feel I am purposely excluded from the evening social activities she does participate in and that is not what I meant either. She has another social circle that she participates in more actively than the one that I am also part of which is pretty active. I was not saying she should be inviting me to everything just that our kid-free activities are not overlapping. Overuse of the word "active" not withstanding, am I being more clear? Daytime wise, it is hard because of proximity (lack of proximity) and kids - that's just the unfortunate way things work for mothers. Anyhow, we'll see how our kids play together - that makes a difference in daytime interactions.
Second, it sort of sounded like I feel I am purposely excluded from the evening social activities she does participate in and that is not what I meant either. She has another social circle that she participates in more actively than the one that I am also part of which is pretty active. I was not saying she should be inviting me to everything just that our kid-free activities are not overlapping. Overuse of the word "active" not withstanding, am I being more clear? Daytime wise, it is hard because of proximity (lack of proximity) and kids - that's just the unfortunate way things work for mothers. Anyhow, we'll see how our kids play together - that makes a difference in daytime interactions.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Little Red Mother Hen
I'm a chicken. Not because I'm afraid of things but, because I'm either like The Little Red Hen or I'm a mother hen. Possibly both. People either want me when I have something specific to offer them or they want me as a mother, sometimes it is the same thing. Being mother hen is my nature but, I realized this morning that no matter how close a mother is to her daughter(s) it isn't the same as being a friend. Moms are not invited to the sleep over. Have a problem? I'll think of some advice or at least have some comforting words. Make a stupid mistake? I'll still love you. Ignore me for long periods of time? I'll welcome you back with nary a word. What ever else you want from a mother, I offer that to my friends. It seems like something a friend should do but, I want to have fun, too. Am I not fun? Or rather do I seem to be "not fun"? Am I not gregarious enough? Do I not talk on the phone enough? Do I not host enough gatherings? I don't know. And it hurts.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Feminism and Politics
I won't spend too much time on this. People usually assume that because I am liberal and a woman that I back Hillary Clinton. The women who do support her often seem shocked that I don't. For a great many reasons, I do not support her. For a great many reasons I support Barack Obama. I have been following him for many years, at least since he began getting national media coverage in 2004. I remember after hearing an interview on the radio (possibly NPR but I can't find it in their archives) my husband and I discussed him for quite some time both hoping for the day when he would be able to run for president. Neither of us thought that day would be any time soon and neither did we think he'd be given a fair shot.
Really what I intended to get at is that feminism is not about supporting women no matter what. It is about the strength of your own mind. It is about ensuring that women are taken as equals in all respects in areas where gender plays, or should play, no role. I'm glad Clinton is not the presumptive candidate, but I'm glad she made it this far. And that is because the fact is, gender still plays a role in the undermining of women - even by other women. (ie I can't believe she wore that!). We made great leaps in diminishing racial bias in a short period of time, here's hoping we can do the same for gender bias.
Really what I intended to get at is that feminism is not about supporting women no matter what. It is about the strength of your own mind. It is about ensuring that women are taken as equals in all respects in areas where gender plays, or should play, no role. I'm glad Clinton is not the presumptive candidate, but I'm glad she made it this far. And that is because the fact is, gender still plays a role in the undermining of women - even by other women. (ie I can't believe she wore that!). We made great leaps in diminishing racial bias in a short period of time, here's hoping we can do the same for gender bias.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
I'm gonna let her go
I've been trying to develop a friendship with a woman, but when writing about the clique incident earlier today I decided it was time to let that go. She's not quite so clique-ish, but she is an accepted member of that clique. She has said that she wants to expand our friendship too, but it just isn't working out. Almost all the socializing I do, she could be part of whereas most of the socializing she does, I'm excluded from.
We have common areas: We both had parents who loved us but were terrible for our self-esteem (for me it was my father and for her it was a now deceased mother); we both have been dealing with depression; we've got household issues; we love our kids but find their personalities a challenge; we have creative aspirations but have a hard time being able to express them; we are both married to men who's self centered behavior is a hindrance to a happy marriage; we're on similar minded spiritual journeys; and we have some of the same personality traits.
I think that 2 things are the bulk of the reason we're not working out, we don't live in the same neighborhood and our kids are not the same ages or genders. However, I can't help but feeling the same way I felt at the table last Saturday. I wonder if she was being polite, but had no real interest in me. I don't want to feel that way so, I'm letting the possibility go. Even if her intention was sincere, I don't think she'll notice.
We have common areas: We both had parents who loved us but were terrible for our self-esteem (for me it was my father and for her it was a now deceased mother); we both have been dealing with depression; we've got household issues; we love our kids but find their personalities a challenge; we have creative aspirations but have a hard time being able to express them; we are both married to men who's self centered behavior is a hindrance to a happy marriage; we're on similar minded spiritual journeys; and we have some of the same personality traits.
I think that 2 things are the bulk of the reason we're not working out, we don't live in the same neighborhood and our kids are not the same ages or genders. However, I can't help but feeling the same way I felt at the table last Saturday. I wonder if she was being polite, but had no real interest in me. I don't want to feel that way so, I'm letting the possibility go. Even if her intention was sincere, I don't think she'll notice.
i'm not doing well
OK so this ended up getting out of hand, but I don't have any other place to get it out of my system.
I'm feeling very depressed lately. I can't seem to get myself up to do the things that need to be done - other than the ones that HAVE to be done, like taking care of the kiddos. It was going along pretty well and then I came to the end of my thread - literally and figuratively. In my determination to finish some of my crafty projects I returned to the aprons. This was no easy feat, I mean just having the supplies out in the presence of the kids is a challenge. Then I ran out of bobbin when I was 3/4 done with the final round of top stitching on apron 1. Not a big problem normally (well it is to the perfectionist side of me but the action side of me is a screw-up so the perfectionist is learning to chill), but in this instance I apparently picked out the only bobbin that doesn't have a matching spool. Going to the store, especially a specialty store, is incredibly difficult. This is prime example of why I don't get my projects completed - things that in-and-of themselves are little, but in my circumstances are big.
It was the beginning of bad patch. I hosted a dual baby shower in a house I hate. My husband's separation date arrived. I've had May wrong in my head for the whole month and almost missed by best friend's daughter's christening. As it was we couldn't find them in the church complex and missed most of the short ceremony. We raced to our other, rare, social event and ended up sitting next to 2 families that, well there's no single word for it. The women are nice and if I am ever alone with them conversation is OK, but if others are around I get left out. This time was no exception. The women talked, to each other, most of the time about shopping. I got a chance to interject a question about vacations and then they returned to their own world. I made a little joke about a shared name to one of the husbands and was completely ignored -worse really, he looked at me as I spoke and then turned away. My husband was so uncomfortable that he walked around while he ate rather than sit with us (thanks). Their daughters are clique-ish too, one of them even telling my daughters not to laugh along with them. The girls got up to go with my husband so I sat there "alone" until I was done feeding the baby and then moved to the group of women that I normally socialize with. I have never felt that cliques really existed in our club until that day. I went on a little bit of a tangent I guess it bothered me more than I realized.
Finances are hard right now too. Every time we get to a point of being able to afford improvements in our lives, something crops up that will take years to recover from. When my husband sold a large chunk of stock, he decided to quit working altogether and go back to school - for 5 years. Just after graduation, he injured himself because he has a policy of brute force to fix problems (not talking about fighting) and we had to buy private insurance and would still have bills. When we began to see some savings from his job (which he didn't start until a year after graduation) he gets laid off. We discover that we were lied to about the insurance and it won't cover the bills so we're suddenly $17,000 in debt plus the $3000 we forked over for bogus insurance. There are no car seats small enough to fit 3 of them in my car when the baby turns 1 at the end of the week. Because of the $17,000 we can no longer afford "new" cars - that amount just so happens to be the same amount we could finance with some stretch to make payments on a particular used minivan with the features we need/want. My husband's suggestion is "I have a temp job and I can do freelance, let's spend the severance package on the van" Yeah, OK a TEMP job (consulting for the company that just laid him off) and freelancing where he makes 70% of his salary, if he worked 2080 hours a year, and he has a terrible work ethic on. (this is a SORE point for me, he goes out to a coffee shop, sits there for 3 hours and only does one hour of billable work and complains constantly that he has this work to do but I won't let him get it done)
I'm just so tired of barely keeping our heads above water. I get enough time to myself that I don't go completely crazy but not enough that I feel satisfied with myself. When he has a regular job, we have enough money to pay bills but not enough for nice used cars, dance lessons, "cosmetic" dental work, to replace the broken couch, buy the kids actual beds, cover the bare back splash, without going into debt... And what does get done around here, gets done in such a crappy way that I don't enjoy it - even when we hire people. My husband isn't so bad a guy that divorce is obvious, but I can't stand sharing this house with him. My parents love me, but disappoint me mostly through favoring my sister with favors to the point that I often can't get the help I need when I really need it because they are helping her. I've developed an attitude of apathy about housework that I'm having a terrible time getting over. I'm just tired and I don't know what to do.
I'm feeling very depressed lately. I can't seem to get myself up to do the things that need to be done - other than the ones that HAVE to be done, like taking care of the kiddos. It was going along pretty well and then I came to the end of my thread - literally and figuratively. In my determination to finish some of my crafty projects I returned to the aprons. This was no easy feat, I mean just having the supplies out in the presence of the kids is a challenge. Then I ran out of bobbin when I was 3/4 done with the final round of top stitching on apron 1. Not a big problem normally (well it is to the perfectionist side of me but the action side of me is a screw-up so the perfectionist is learning to chill), but in this instance I apparently picked out the only bobbin that doesn't have a matching spool. Going to the store, especially a specialty store, is incredibly difficult. This is prime example of why I don't get my projects completed - things that in-and-of themselves are little, but in my circumstances are big.
It was the beginning of bad patch. I hosted a dual baby shower in a house I hate. My husband's separation date arrived. I've had May wrong in my head for the whole month and almost missed by best friend's daughter's christening. As it was we couldn't find them in the church complex and missed most of the short ceremony. We raced to our other, rare, social event and ended up sitting next to 2 families that, well there's no single word for it. The women are nice and if I am ever alone with them conversation is OK, but if others are around I get left out. This time was no exception. The women talked, to each other, most of the time about shopping. I got a chance to interject a question about vacations and then they returned to their own world. I made a little joke about a shared name to one of the husbands and was completely ignored -worse really, he looked at me as I spoke and then turned away. My husband was so uncomfortable that he walked around while he ate rather than sit with us (thanks). Their daughters are clique-ish too, one of them even telling my daughters not to laugh along with them. The girls got up to go with my husband so I sat there "alone" until I was done feeding the baby and then moved to the group of women that I normally socialize with. I have never felt that cliques really existed in our club until that day. I went on a little bit of a tangent I guess it bothered me more than I realized.
Finances are hard right now too. Every time we get to a point of being able to afford improvements in our lives, something crops up that will take years to recover from. When my husband sold a large chunk of stock, he decided to quit working altogether and go back to school - for 5 years. Just after graduation, he injured himself because he has a policy of brute force to fix problems (not talking about fighting) and we had to buy private insurance and would still have bills. When we began to see some savings from his job (which he didn't start until a year after graduation) he gets laid off. We discover that we were lied to about the insurance and it won't cover the bills so we're suddenly $17,000 in debt plus the $3000 we forked over for bogus insurance. There are no car seats small enough to fit 3 of them in my car when the baby turns 1 at the end of the week. Because of the $17,000 we can no longer afford "new" cars - that amount just so happens to be the same amount we could finance with some stretch to make payments on a particular used minivan with the features we need/want. My husband's suggestion is "I have a temp job and I can do freelance, let's spend the severance package on the van" Yeah, OK a TEMP job (consulting for the company that just laid him off) and freelancing where he makes 70% of his salary, if he worked 2080 hours a year, and he has a terrible work ethic on. (this is a SORE point for me, he goes out to a coffee shop, sits there for 3 hours and only does one hour of billable work and complains constantly that he has this work to do but I won't let him get it done)
I'm just so tired of barely keeping our heads above water. I get enough time to myself that I don't go completely crazy but not enough that I feel satisfied with myself. When he has a regular job, we have enough money to pay bills but not enough for nice used cars, dance lessons, "cosmetic" dental work, to replace the broken couch, buy the kids actual beds, cover the bare back splash, without going into debt... And what does get done around here, gets done in such a crappy way that I don't enjoy it - even when we hire people. My husband isn't so bad a guy that divorce is obvious, but I can't stand sharing this house with him. My parents love me, but disappoint me mostly through favoring my sister with favors to the point that I often can't get the help I need when I really need it because they are helping her. I've developed an attitude of apathy about housework that I'm having a terrible time getting over. I'm just tired and I don't know what to do.
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