Actually, I have very little sympathy left, at least towards one person in particular. This is because they have run my well dry and then went digging in the dust.
I have been thinking about this for many hours and here's my theory.
(Some people are obnoxiously insecure and become just plain whiny - this is not about them)
People subconsciously look for sympathy as a way of checking if they are cared about. You say to a person "Person, this bad thing has happened." You are hoping to hear Person reply, "I'm sorry to hear that" and then offer some gesture of comfort i.e. a hug, a pat on the arm, encouragement or even an offer of help. Or even "Well, that sucks" will suffice in many situations. This response tells you that Person cares about your well being - that they see you as a person who is worthy of being cared about.
If instead, you hear a veritable echo of your words, or worse a 1-upper, it tells you that Person is more concerned with themselves than with anything else. This response tells you that Person will not let you be a focus of attention and instead tries to turn the tables to get you to give them sympathy while you get none. Person is saying, "I don't care what has happened to you, I don't care if your well being is not optimal, I care about me, I will only discuss me."
I have been challenged with the defense of "empathy". Merriam-Webster says it is "the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner"
The action of understanding. When person says, "That same bad thing is happening to me" or that it has happened, there is no understanding expressed - nothing related to you is expressed. If person says, "That same bad thing happened to me and it was even worse" it sends a clear message of "How DARE you complain to me! I have it worse! Give me ALL the attention! You don't deserve to even finish your thought! I'm the ONLY one that matters!" If Person changed it to "I know how poorly you must feel since I've experienced it, too" AND follows up with the comforting gesture, then is is empathy.
A friend turns to a friend for sympathy for validation of the mutual friendship and more often than not (I believe) to get a little advice or hear a different perspective. A child looks to a parent for sympathy to know that the parent will do what they can to fix the things they can't protect the child from or to let them know they are still loved even when they mess up. A spouse looks to the other for sympathy so know they are still an important part of their spouse's life. If you keep finding ways of letting someone know they are not important to you, they will begin to wonder why you should be important to them.
