Not that I think you're out there

I don't have a reason, yet, to think anyone other than myself knows about this blog. Anyway... When I first started this blog, I disallowed comments. I have just changed that. Before, I was too afraid of what others might say to me. I didn't want to open myself up to hurt feelings caused by strangers. I still don't. I don't want to be judged by people who don't actually know me. It's bad enough when people know you and they judge you in error. This is big for me.

Not THE Mommy!

I've been having a hard time these past few days. If I want anyone to do anything around here it is a battle. Fussing, nagging, whining, arguing, dragging of feet, all that, from all 3 that can talk and plenty of crying from the one that can't talk -yet. Notice that these numbers include my husband. I had to send him upstairs twice on Saturday to take care of his BO. I really hate that I have finally put it into words, but he is like a boy who has just begun to have BO and doesn't notice or remember, or is too lazy, to do something about it. I find that I frequently have to remind him to put on deodorant and since he gets up before I do that means he often doesn't wear any and comes home with BO. I imagine he has it at work as well. Saturday, he'd been outside working on the car with the help of a couple of friends. One invited him to come over to watch hockey. Now, this is a fledgling friendship. I've met the wife once or twice and I like her and they have young children so we're a good fit for family friends. Not wanting to scare them off, I asked him if he had on deodorant - "No". He goes upstairs for a while and when he returns I ask, "Did you put on deodorant?"- "Yes"- "Did you clean off the old sweat before you put it on?" (notice how I knew I had to ask that question) the answer, "No, do you want me to take a shower or something?" - "At least take a washcloth and hot, soapy water and clean up then put on more deodorant." Now, notice that I had to specify "washcloth and hot, soapy water." "You're acting like a mom or something," he said. Since he was trying to make a joke I remained silent when I really wanted to shout "Don't you think that's a PROBLEM?? Isn't there something wrong when your wife has to remind your 43-year-old-stinky-self to put on deodorant on a regular basis??!!!"
I really didn't mean to go in this direction, I guess I've had enough of it - 10 years of it. I'm sick of being his mother!

Anyone get my totally obscure TV reference? I could only recall the line and had to google it to find out where I remembered it from.

Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.

I am reading a book by John and Staci Eldredge, "Captivating". I do not normally read books like that - religious ones, I mean. I have not had a great experience with organized religion, neither personally nor in my learning through histories and media. I find the rigidity I am often met with to be narrow minded and not on the side of God. I do not believe that humans can get religion entirely right and I resent those who claim their way is the ONLY way. I think that at the very least, it is presumptive and at the worst, it is raising themselves up to the level of God.
The way this relates to the book is that they don't claim to be the authority. And many -not all- of their views would be progressive, I guess, maybe liberal? This book looks at femininity and womanhood in terms of the bible - how it translates to our lives through biblical times, history, families and even pop culture. I don't agree with all they say, you won't find me shouting out to the evil spirits that they would claim cause my continual pain and I certainly don't think I NEED a man to pray for/with me (she prayed, too, but felt she had to turn to an acquaintance to help her past getting in an argument with another woman).
As you may have guessed from the tenor of this blog, I am searching for myself. For understanding, for happiness, for faith, for purpose, for motivation, for relief... I have really only talked about it with one of my friends and I didn't really list out everything to her. She knows I am looking for books to help me on this quest, she is the only one. "Captivating" came to me from my brother. Yes, my younger brother who I don't discuss religion with because he says believes the Bible is literal and has been protected from alteration throughout the centuries. When I challenge him, I get the sense that he doesn't really believe that by the way he gets flustered, but he is still new to his quest and I don't have any intention of upsetting him. He can believe what he wants, but he gets a little frustrated with me that I don't believe that way too. I believe in time we will be able to discuss it.
While I outright don't understand some parts, I have learned a thing or 2 as well and it has inspired more questions. I am mainly concentrating on using this information to improve my marriage. I, however, am not the only person in my marriage. I have asked him to read books before and he never has. I went through "Babyproofing Your Marriage" with Post-Its handy, making notes and notations with the assurance that he would read it too. He got to page 4, over the course of 2 hours that he spent in the bedroom one evening, away from the family, and he didn't touch it again. (I didn't include the Post-Its) I have told him that I find "Captivating" interesting for the points it makes about raising girls and am appealing to him to read it for the same reasons. Which is true. The same goes with their book about men. I'm hoping he'll read these as an interested parent, since I don't think he'll do it as a husband. So, my problem is, if I hand this over in faith to God, how am I supposed to stand up for myself when he's being a jackass? If his behavior is not acceptable, what am I supposed to be doing? Having faith doesn't mean God will make everything perfect. It doesn't mean He will transform my husband into the person he says he is/wants to be. Having faith in my husband is FAR different from having faith in God. That is the problem I'm having with translating the lessons in the book to real life. It's a start and I'm sure you'll be hearing more about it.

I can't get the link to work properly from my title "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret."

My sympathies

Actually, I have very little sympathy left, at least towards one person in particular. This is because they have run my well dry and then went digging in the dust.
I have been thinking about this for many hours and here's my theory.

(Some people are obnoxiously insecure and become just plain whiny - this is not about them)
People subconsciously look for sympathy as a way of checking if they are cared about. You say to a person "Person, this bad thing has happened." You are hoping to hear Person reply, "I'm sorry to hear that" and then offer some gesture of comfort i.e. a hug, a pat on the arm, encouragement or even an offer of help. Or even "Well, that sucks" will suffice in many situations. This response tells you that Person cares about your well being - that they see you as a person who is worthy of being cared about.

If instead, you hear a veritable echo of your words, or worse a 1-upper, it tells you that Person is more concerned with themselves than with anything else. This response tells you that Person will not let you be a focus of attention and instead tries to turn the tables to get you to give them sympathy while you get none. Person is saying, "I don't care what has happened to you, I don't care if your well being is not optimal, I care about me, I will only discuss me."

I have been challenged with the defense of "empathy". Merriam-Webster says it is "the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner"
The action of understanding. When person says, "That same bad thing is happening to me" or that it has happened, there is no understanding expressed - nothing related to you is expressed. If person says, "That same bad thing happened to me and it was even worse" it sends a clear message of "How DARE you complain to me! I have it worse! Give me ALL the attention! You don't deserve to even finish your thought! I'm the ONLY one that matters!" If Person changed it to "I know how poorly you must feel since I've experienced it, too" AND follows up with the comforting gesture, then is is empathy.

A friend turns to a friend for sympathy for validation of the mutual friendship and more often than not (I believe) to get a little advice or hear a different perspective. A child looks to a parent for sympathy to know that the parent will do what they can to fix the things they can't protect the child from or to let them know they are still loved even when they mess up. A spouse looks to the other for sympathy so know they are still an important part of their spouse's life. If you keep finding ways of letting someone know they are not important to you, they will begin to wonder why you should be important to them.

To have the body image of a 2 year old

I would not normally put things that my kids have said or done on here because I'm trying to get away from that being a main topic for me. However, my 2 year old has actually said a couple of things that are on point for another topic. Being the mother of 3, I wonder if my body will always look like this or if there is any hope for me - in other words, is there any hope of me getting to a gym again in this lifetime. Being a modern mother with the plethora of information on the many ways we can damage our children's psyche with a glance, I also take care to not say anything about my body in front of my kids. I have considered what medical procedures I would and wouldn't have done and why (just a side note, for the most part it's a "no") Back to the kids...
A few weeks ago, my 4 year old and I were discussing the necessity and benefits of eating a variety of foods, yes we really were. The main benefit being that it makes our bodies grow healthy. "What parts?" she asks. So I start answering, your arms, your legs, your nose, your ears, your heart... My 2 year old asks, "Is mine tushie growing, too?" "Yes," I reply. With glee she exclaims, "I gonna grow a GREAT BIG tushie!" Then when she has that great big tushie of hers and she poses the same questions to herself as I have, I can be fairly confident that her decision will be well thought out (that is if you can base her adult behavior patterns upon her toddler behaviors!) I know this because yesterday they were "helping" me hang pictures by holding my light weight hammer. When a little bit of a tug began I warned, "Be careful, don't drop it on your toes or they might break off and you'll have to go to the hospital." The oldest asked if the doctors can put it back on I told her that sometimes doctors can put bodies back together. My 2 year old states, "If I fall down the doctor might put mine tushie on backwards" So at 2 she already knows 2 things related to body image that a great deal of adults don't: don't just accept your body, be excited about it and plastic surgery isn't "surgery-lite" it may go seriously wrong!