I drafted a post a few weeks ago about the fact that I was turning 30. The number itself doesn't bother me it's just that my life is SO different than what I thought it would be 10 years ago. Well, actually slightly more than 10 years ago - see I'm at about the 10th anniversary of meeting my now husband. I was feeling sorry for myself and angry at my husband for not living up to my expectations (which I think are pretty low). So for the time being, I'm abandoning that post to start a new one.
I thought things would be fairly settled when I was 30 with some major events left on the horizion, but our lives are in transition right now. With husband's job hunting, young children and the fact that I do HAVE to return to college and work as soon as the youngest is in P-K.
Also, with the way we live in this house. I HATE it. This is only my home by the way it happens to hold my family and my stuff. That is why I'm angry at my husband. I can handle the fact that I got married much younger than planned, I can handle that I've had children much younger, and closer together, than planned, I do struggle, now, with putting off my schooling so my husband could continue his, but even that I can handle in the bigger picture. What I cannot handle is not having the type of home I envisioned, they type of home that I NEED.
I moved into his house and never tried to put my foot down until it was WAY too late. Although, now that I've got kids and I see how they will choose just about any lack of reward or punishment over doing a chore, I'm not sure there was ever any hope of getting him to actually do the majority things he says he will. THAT is what has got me bothered about turning 30. The sense of desperation, aloneness, lack of control, and feeling lost instead of feeling secure. I've been without a "home" feeling for 14 years, my soul has no place to settle. At least in the 4 prior years I was moving around a lot and there was a reason I didn't feel at home, but I've been in one spot for 10 - TEN - years now and still don't feel at home. There is no care put into this house, no pride, no general courtesies. He is so damned attached to this hole that he wouldn't even consider moving when we had the means and a real need to, yet he doesn't take care of it. As a matter of routine, he doesn't clean up after himself, or do regular maintenance or aesthetic projects. The worst part is that I've gone the route of "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." There is no point of me doing my part if he isn't doing his part. Now that I am happy in this particular location (friends and activities) he wants to move. 1. What's to say he won't behave exactly the same with a fresh start? 2. He still has to complete a major portion of the list in order to sell this house. If he did #2 we'd be so much happier here and with each other.
Obviously, I'm still angry even though this post is better than the other!
At 30 I've reached my first real milestone birthday and I have decisions to make, tough ones that my heart doesn't want to make. If it can't be love and me then it has to be one or the other.
A PS: 10 years is twice as long as I have ever lived any where else so it is especially significant to me
