I went to my grandmother's funeral yesterday. I don't know what to say about the woman. I barely knew her. I love her and I love the image I have of her - I'm not letting go of those things.
Until a couple of weeks ago, I hadn't seen her in 10 or more years. She was manic-depressive and bi-polar. I don't understand the differences I just know those are the diagnoses. Her second husband was not a good man; he masqueraded as one and for a long time got away with it. He's still putting forth lies and excuses about what he did to my mother and sister. Grandmother chose to believe him and didn't seem content to ignore this vast difference of opinion when she was dealing with my mother. My mom was willing to try but was very anxious before contacting Grandmother and usually came away upset and crying. I chose to stand by my mother and sister and not cultivate a relationship with someone who hurt them so much. Though, in truth, it was a decision to protect myself as well.
It's not even just that she chose to believe him (although she did sometimes admit he may have done something he shouldn't have), it's the way she did it along with her other delusions. For instance she insisted that my parents left us children with her and her husband for 6 months while my parents gambled away their life savings in Las Vegas. This of course is part of the excuse for her husband's actions - they abandoned us so they are responsible for anything that may have happened so don't have the right to "complain" about it. Not that the time lines even match - what he did to my sister happened when I was 10 and this Las Vegas cover story would have taken place when I was 12.
In my mind, I lost my grandmother all those years ago. I've mourned the loss of her plenty. But now that she is actually gone I'm torn between keeping that separation and feeling like I should have tried to reach out more. I'm not sure it would have brought me any closer to her and it may have "erased" some of the good memories I have of her. I know, I KNOW, that her mental illness prevented her from being in control of herself, but... Those good memories are so few.
Perhaps it just so happened that most of the time I spent with her as a child, she was in part of a downswing. Although, apparently when she was on an upswing, she wasn't all that interested in spending time with her grandchildren. Yesterday, I learned she had a membership to a local vacation resort where she frequently went swimming, was "High Exalted Grand Matron" of one club, and the first woman president of another. All during the "golden years" of our relationship - some of which we lived on the same street. I didn't know her as that person, when she was around us she was Sedentary for the most part. That difference I can willingly accept as part of her illness and do not fault her for.
I had to stop for quite a while to tend to the kids so I've lost my train of thought.
Bottom line is I love her and wish there had been more good memories of time spent with her but I will always hold those few as precious.
