Our first big injury AKA Follow your "Momtuition"

Yesterday Biggest was at preschool. She wouldn't get up off the floor to go see the speaker so the director grabbed her hand and pulled her (despite the fact that her care forms state that her arms are not to be pulled on). Biggest pulled back. Resulting in elbow and shoulder pain. When her teacher called me, Biggest wouldn't talk to me and wouldn't say if she wanted to come home or not so I figured she was OK enough to stay. When I went to pick them up, she was happy though holding her arm straight down and not moving it. When we were leaving, another girl reached down to hold Biggest's hand which elicited a howl of pain such as I have never heard from her. It took a while to calm her down and get her to tell me exactly where she hurt. After an excruciating entry into her car seat, I went home to look up a pediatric orthopedist. Difficulty after difficulty and some tears from both of us. No one can see her until the next day. I DON'T want to take her to the ER. Since she is not swelling or bruising the nurse feels that is fine. FINALLY her PCP calls back (all I asked for was for the referrals lady to get me a name - now I have to pay a phone consult fee! But that brings up another topic) and he says he doubts that she needs to be seen by a doctor "it's simply another instance of nursemaid's elbow". I inform him I have already made an appointment and I will be keeping it. GOOD THING I LISTENED TO MYSELF - her radial bone is cracked. Can you imagine if I had listened to him? Not that I usually quash my instincts, but it irritates me when people expect me to.

Forgiving Grandmother and her husband

In circumstances that Oprah would certainly have a name for, on 2/6 when I wrote this post, the Oprah show was about "The Secret". I don't usually watch Oprah as it airs, but record it and watch it at some point later. The 6th was no exception and I didn't watch it until some days later. While I believe in some of the basic principles "The Secret" offers, I don't buy into the book or the movie - figuratively and literally.

I thought that the reason this show was good for me was the segment about the wife's attitude when her husband was laid-off. Her reaction was about the same as mine.
Later, I realized that the real reason I was watching the show was to learn another definition of "forgiveness." (I may edit this post at a later date to make the recount more accurate) One of the ladies on the panel said that forgiveness is letting go of the emotional response to someone/thing and not let it affect your life anymore. I had always been torn and feeling guilty over my decision to compartmentalize my grandmother the way I had while at the same time I knew it was for the best. I now see that deciding to only think of her in her prime was a way of forgiving her for her bad times (rather than focusing my attention to her bad times).
As for her husband- My brother and I discussed him prior to the funeral. I told my brother that I didn't forgive the man because he wouldn't take full ownership of his actions and had not asked to be forgiven for even the lesser things he admitted to. (*) I rarely think about that man and he is isn't really attached to any of my good memories of Grandmother. If I can erase him more completely then I suppose that means I've forgiven him. Not condoned, as the Oprah guest pointed out, just taken the power away from a negative so there is more power for the positive. Surprisingly, that does lift a weight I didn't know I was carrying.

*(A statement which I can tell irritated my brother who is exploring his Christianity - a topic I won't go into depth with him on because I don't believe in arguing about non-harming religious views and he isn't of the same frame of mind)

Gratuitous Valentine's Day Post

I'm not going to gush about my evening exactly except to say that it is the first Valentine's Day Hubby and I have really celebrated in 6 years! We spent the whole evening together and didn't argue once! Not even an itty-bitty one!
Thank you to my friends who double teamed my kids so I could go and whose kids I will be sitting on Saturday so they can go - with help of another friend whose child was watched last night too.

In memory of joy

Life comes and goes so quickly sometimes that it can take us by surprise. Today, I celebrate the lives of my children and of all the children that I care about. I think a little harder about the ones who are still little enough to be at risk for SIDS.

HORMONES!

I have had trouble with PMS pains since this whole thing started in middle school. In college I started the pill. About that time I began to have migraines every weekend, but no doctor was able to give me a good answer and no meds seemed to work. One day, I was at yet another dr. and while waiting I saw a poster about menopause. When the doc came in to meet me I said, "Actually, I have 9 out of 10 of those menopause symptoms", "Oh yeah, birth control can cause that" was his reply. Thank you doctor number 4!!! I tried several formulations but nothing improved so I haven't been on birth control since 2000. EIGHT years and THREE kids later, my body is finally performing like it did prior to being on birth control.

However, what used to be simply annoying mood swings have been combined with sleep-deprivation and a lot of stress. The result is Tantrum City - being that my ill moods not only upset me but they feed my children too. This is not good especially with the added factor of willful and uncooperative youngsters. The older ones actually chose to take a "nap time-out" over putting away toys and having lunch which they claimed they were SO hungry for. I don't think I would have put that out there if I actually thought they would choose to not eat. Or if I weren't so hormonal. And tired.

The only real upside to the return of my regular hormone function is the affect on my sex life. Mind you, I'm not always happy enough with Hubby to want to have sex, but when I do want to, it is facilitated by normal hormone reactions. How long will it take him to fully absorb that when he is helpful and not grumpy, I'm easy? Well, "easier" - I still need sleep!

Well, this got to be a little "rambly", but I feel better so I'm posting it!

It's going to be OK, Really

OK, after my mild panic attack, I realized that Hubby's "out-placement" is a blessing in disguise.
This job was in his field, but in his safe zone. He was not challenged nor did he have the room for professional growth that he deserves. It had safe tasks, safe salary, safe benefits. What fun is life without a few risks, right? Now he has the opportunity to find a job with wider range, that will challenge him and help him to grow. He will get the salary he deserves and the benefits package will be better suited for us. He will find an employer willing to wait until after his separation date so he can get the severance package he deserves. Most importantly this change will lead to a happier family.

I just took a breath

I was finally starting to feel comfortable with our financial situation. I don't worry about buying groceries, we have health insurance AND can afford the doctor, I've been able to pay the school on time. We were even about to purchase a used van that can accommodate the family and our strollers. Now the axe falls on my husband's office on May 15th. The international corporation is trying to get this division sold and is "consolidating" by closing all these little businesses it had been purchasing in the past few years. Of course my husband doesn't have any regular job where he can go just about anywhere and find work. He has a specialized career, where job openings are few and far between and which often don't pay all that well. This job was a rare gem with good benefits, high salary, somewhat flexible hours and not too far away. It took him a year to find it. After going back to school for 5 years. I cannot do that again. I am in a panic but still at home with the kiddos so I can't show it in any way.

And so she goes to where her delusions are true

I went to my grandmother's funeral yesterday. I don't know what to say about the woman. I barely knew her. I love her and I love the image I have of her - I'm not letting go of those things.
Until a couple of weeks ago, I hadn't seen her in 10 or more years. She was manic-depressive and bi-polar. I don't understand the differences I just know those are the diagnoses. Her second husband was not a good man; he masqueraded as one and for a long time got away with it. He's still putting forth lies and excuses about what he did to my mother and sister. Grandmother chose to believe him and didn't seem content to ignore this vast difference of opinion when she was dealing with my mother. My mom was willing to try but was very anxious before contacting Grandmother and usually came away upset and crying. I chose to stand by my mother and sister and not cultivate a relationship with someone who hurt them so much. Though, in truth, it was a decision to protect myself as well.

It's not even just that she chose to believe him (although she did sometimes admit he may have done something he shouldn't have), it's the way she did it along with her other delusions. For instance she insisted that my parents left us children with her and her husband for 6 months while my parents gambled away their life savings in Las Vegas. This of course is part of the excuse for her husband's actions - they abandoned us so they are responsible for anything that may have happened so don't have the right to "complain" about it. Not that the time lines even match - what he did to my sister happened when I was 10 and this Las Vegas cover story would have taken place when I was 12.

In my mind, I lost my grandmother all those years ago. I've mourned the loss of her plenty. But now that she is actually gone I'm torn between keeping that separation and feeling like I should have tried to reach out more. I'm not sure it would have brought me any closer to her and it may have "erased" some of the good memories I have of her. I know, I KNOW, that her mental illness prevented her from being in control of herself, but... Those good memories are so few.
Perhaps it just so happened that most of the time I spent with her as a child, she was in part of a downswing. Although, apparently when she was on an upswing, she wasn't all that interested in spending time with her grandchildren. Yesterday, I learned she had a membership to a local vacation resort where she frequently went swimming, was "High Exalted Grand Matron" of one club, and the first woman president of another. All during the "golden years" of our relationship - some of which we lived on the same street. I didn't know her as that person, when she was around us she was Sedentary for the most part. That difference I can willingly accept as part of her illness and do not fault her for.

I had to stop for quite a while to tend to the kids so I've lost my train of thought.

Bottom line is I love her and wish there had been more good memories of time spent with her but I will always hold those few as precious.