I'm still quite busy in my life right now, but I've been missing this outlet more than usual the past few days. Perhaps it's because I've been missing the internet in general the past few days. I've barely logged on for several weeks, maybe more than a month. Well, let me correct that, I've barely used the internet for anything other than reading/downloading home school stuff.
My last post announced that my menstrual cycle seemed to be evening out, apparently it heard me so decided to go haywire. I had a terrible 2 days last week, or the week before I'm too tired to count backwards, that was the signal to the impending period. A period that lasted for 9 days. I'm not kidding, nine. I was really angry at everything, my husband and kids were sick so they were all extra whiny. I did a pretty good job keeping it to myself, but I was fuming underneath for a good 2 days, well a bad 2 days.
I took a few minutes to read some of my previous posts so here's updates on some of the stuff:
Hubby: still no job
Car: bought minivan - due in part to finding a low rate on a loan and part to...
Medical debt: father assures us that as long as you're paying something each month without fail on medical debt, they can't mess with you. So have auto payments from bank for low amounts
Artistic outlet: not getting much done but did make a separate blog for it, decided I didn't want to mix the "topics"
House: still crappy
Housework: still apathetic
Friends: I haven't spent much time with my friends lately, I've been busy or sick or too tired to get out of jammies. However, I did come to a big realization about myself that I will post later
Confidence: still low, still pondering telling a few people about this blog, especially tonight after reading an entry in a friend's blog, especially considering telling her but that would be embarrassing.
Oh, 2 "especially"'s in one sentence, I've got to go to bed it's after 1am
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
2 months
It's been 2 months since my last post. Believe me, it's not for lack of material. I've been more just plain tired and busy during this time than normal. The hormonal mood swings are evening out some, not all the way, but enough that I've felt noticeably less angry during PMS week. The husband and I still have our issues big and small, but there haven't been as many tiffs and no big blowouts, that I remember- have I mentioned how tired I've been?
A friend and I got together to talk about the PPD issues we've had. Some are similar and some are different. It's just nice to talk to someone who really knows what PPD means - even though neither of us has had it so extreme we'd cause harm, it's definitely more than the "baby blues".
I've been busy trying to create home school for my kids. I'm undecided how long I'll pursue this, but at least for this school year. That has taken up a great deal of time. Taking little moments to teach my kids sort of comes naturally to me, but I'm nowhere near home school quality/quantity. Dinner is ready to come out of the oven. I just felt I needed to post here since it has been so long. I kinda miss it.
A friend and I got together to talk about the PPD issues we've had. Some are similar and some are different. It's just nice to talk to someone who really knows what PPD means - even though neither of us has had it so extreme we'd cause harm, it's definitely more than the "baby blues".
I've been busy trying to create home school for my kids. I'm undecided how long I'll pursue this, but at least for this school year. That has taken up a great deal of time. Taking little moments to teach my kids sort of comes naturally to me, but I'm nowhere near home school quality/quantity. Dinner is ready to come out of the oven. I just felt I needed to post here since it has been so long. I kinda miss it.
Friday, June 27, 2008
My Buddy and Me
I have been blessed with 2 wonderful friends. One came to me through a job we both ended up hating but, was the start of our 9 year friendship. We are both overall low maintenance. We are laid back about most things but, are both particular about things in the same areas of life. We are a similar mix of positive and negative out looks. It is an easy but strong friendship surviving her 3 year stint working in another country (from when I was pregnant with my first to when I was pregnant with my 3rd) and a 45 minute drive between our houses. She is intelligent, well spoken, artistic, and confident. She recently had her first child, who looks exactly like her. Unless her husband is holding the baby, then she looks exactly like him! My husband and I are both so glad to be sharing this phase of our lives with them.
The other arrived in my life about 3 years ago. I was pregnant with my second and standing at the sink doing dishes - barefoot, no less! The blinds were open so I could see the house next to / behind us (we live on a corner) that was for sale. A car drove up and a couple who looked to be about the same age as I, got out of the car. I was happy to see them and thought to myself "It would be great if they have young kids too" At that same time she was going around to the passenger side of the car to get her daughter out! Better still, her daughter looked to be about the same age as mine! I was elated. Turns out she is a few weeks older than I and her daughter is a few months older than mine. She is also a lot like me. We both like crafts, we're adventerous in our own way, we have a high school, band geek past (we still have a little of it), and we're similar parents. She just had her second child - a little more than 12 hours ago actually. She's outgoing, EASY to like, and has a very sunny outlook. My husband and I couldn't have wished for better neighbors.
I'm just very blessed to have them both in my life with the added bonus that their husbands and mine like each other too.
The other arrived in my life about 3 years ago. I was pregnant with my second and standing at the sink doing dishes - barefoot, no less! The blinds were open so I could see the house next to / behind us (we live on a corner) that was for sale. A car drove up and a couple who looked to be about the same age as I, got out of the car. I was happy to see them and thought to myself "It would be great if they have young kids too" At that same time she was going around to the passenger side of the car to get her daughter out! Better still, her daughter looked to be about the same age as mine! I was elated. Turns out she is a few weeks older than I and her daughter is a few months older than mine. She is also a lot like me. We both like crafts, we're adventerous in our own way, we have a high school, band geek past (we still have a little of it), and we're similar parents. She just had her second child - a little more than 12 hours ago actually. She's outgoing, EASY to like, and has a very sunny outlook. My husband and I couldn't have wished for better neighbors.
I'm just very blessed to have them both in my life with the added bonus that their husbands and mine like each other too.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
"I like them now"
My friend's eldest is a sweet but, sensitive boy. He likes things a particular way (don't most of us) but, hasn't quite built up the tools he needs to deal with things being different or difficult- he's only 5. One of the challenges to building our friendship would be how well our kids play together - it's just no fun socializing if the kids are squabbling. As we were all getting in our cars he said to his mother, "I had fun today, I like them now!" I got a kick out of that though, in all seriousness, I'm glad he said it.
My husband has friends whose 3rd and 4th children are the same ages as our first 2. (the wife's first 2 are late teen/early 20's) A year or 2 ago their daughter gave our eldest her first experience of someone being truly just mean. She suddenly approached us and shoved our girl so hard that she fell on the floor. She didn't want to go near them for a long time. After a few months of avoidance (precipitated by the fact that the mom didn't say one word to her daughter and the dad just said the child's name in a disapproving tone) my husband simply told him "We don't come over because our kid is still upset at how mean your kid was to her." I never did hear what the reply was but, they're still friends; they just do things without kids. That wouldn't be so easy for a woman especially if they became friends after having kids.
Anyway, I'm glad we had a good play date yesterday.
My husband has friends whose 3rd and 4th children are the same ages as our first 2. (the wife's first 2 are late teen/early 20's) A year or 2 ago their daughter gave our eldest her first experience of someone being truly just mean. She suddenly approached us and shoved our girl so hard that she fell on the floor. She didn't want to go near them for a long time. After a few months of avoidance (precipitated by the fact that the mom didn't say one word to her daughter and the dad just said the child's name in a disapproving tone) my husband simply told him "We don't come over because our kid is still upset at how mean your kid was to her." I never did hear what the reply was but, they're still friends; they just do things without kids. That wouldn't be so easy for a woman especially if they became friends after having kids.
Anyway, I'm glad we had a good play date yesterday.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Let it go...
There is a cliche that if you let something go free, it will return to you if it was meant to be - or some similar rhyme. I was just going to update this entry with the news that my friend e-mailed to ask if I wanted to get together next week. Before starting this though, I re-read what I wrote. It didn't quite come out as I meant. First, I did not mean that I was writing her off just that I wasn't going to put an emotional importance on a potential friendship. I'm just not going about things the right way. I was looking for validation in the actions of others while I still don't have my own actions under control, ie making calls, writing notes, remembering birthdays and anniversaries. I realized that I'm searching for a soul-mate of sorts and I have to stop searching and start growing. If I'm meant to have that kind of relationship it will come only after I've got myself right. It's that whole annoying self-help attitude of you gotta love yourself first.
Second, it sort of sounded like I feel I am purposely excluded from the evening social activities she does participate in and that is not what I meant either. She has another social circle that she participates in more actively than the one that I am also part of which is pretty active. I was not saying she should be inviting me to everything just that our kid-free activities are not overlapping. Overuse of the word "active" not withstanding, am I being more clear? Daytime wise, it is hard because of proximity (lack of proximity) and kids - that's just the unfortunate way things work for mothers. Anyhow, we'll see how our kids play together - that makes a difference in daytime interactions.
Second, it sort of sounded like I feel I am purposely excluded from the evening social activities she does participate in and that is not what I meant either. She has another social circle that she participates in more actively than the one that I am also part of which is pretty active. I was not saying she should be inviting me to everything just that our kid-free activities are not overlapping. Overuse of the word "active" not withstanding, am I being more clear? Daytime wise, it is hard because of proximity (lack of proximity) and kids - that's just the unfortunate way things work for mothers. Anyhow, we'll see how our kids play together - that makes a difference in daytime interactions.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Little Red Mother Hen
I'm a chicken. Not because I'm afraid of things but, because I'm either like The Little Red Hen or I'm a mother hen. Possibly both. People either want me when I have something specific to offer them or they want me as a mother, sometimes it is the same thing. Being mother hen is my nature but, I realized this morning that no matter how close a mother is to her daughter(s) it isn't the same as being a friend. Moms are not invited to the sleep over. Have a problem? I'll think of some advice or at least have some comforting words. Make a stupid mistake? I'll still love you. Ignore me for long periods of time? I'll welcome you back with nary a word. What ever else you want from a mother, I offer that to my friends. It seems like something a friend should do but, I want to have fun, too. Am I not fun? Or rather do I seem to be "not fun"? Am I not gregarious enough? Do I not talk on the phone enough? Do I not host enough gatherings? I don't know. And it hurts.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Feminism and Politics
I won't spend too much time on this. People usually assume that because I am liberal and a woman that I back Hillary Clinton. The women who do support her often seem shocked that I don't. For a great many reasons, I do not support her. For a great many reasons I support Barack Obama. I have been following him for many years, at least since he began getting national media coverage in 2004. I remember after hearing an interview on the radio (possibly NPR but I can't find it in their archives) my husband and I discussed him for quite some time both hoping for the day when he would be able to run for president. Neither of us thought that day would be any time soon and neither did we think he'd be given a fair shot.
Really what I intended to get at is that feminism is not about supporting women no matter what. It is about the strength of your own mind. It is about ensuring that women are taken as equals in all respects in areas where gender plays, or should play, no role. I'm glad Clinton is not the presumptive candidate, but I'm glad she made it this far. And that is because the fact is, gender still plays a role in the undermining of women - even by other women. (ie I can't believe she wore that!). We made great leaps in diminishing racial bias in a short period of time, here's hoping we can do the same for gender bias.
Really what I intended to get at is that feminism is not about supporting women no matter what. It is about the strength of your own mind. It is about ensuring that women are taken as equals in all respects in areas where gender plays, or should play, no role. I'm glad Clinton is not the presumptive candidate, but I'm glad she made it this far. And that is because the fact is, gender still plays a role in the undermining of women - even by other women. (ie I can't believe she wore that!). We made great leaps in diminishing racial bias in a short period of time, here's hoping we can do the same for gender bias.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
I'm gonna let her go
I've been trying to develop a friendship with a woman, but when writing about the clique incident earlier today I decided it was time to let that go. She's not quite so clique-ish, but she is an accepted member of that clique. She has said that she wants to expand our friendship too, but it just isn't working out. Almost all the socializing I do, she could be part of whereas most of the socializing she does, I'm excluded from.
We have common areas: We both had parents who loved us but were terrible for our self-esteem (for me it was my father and for her it was a now deceased mother); we both have been dealing with depression; we've got household issues; we love our kids but find their personalities a challenge; we have creative aspirations but have a hard time being able to express them; we are both married to men who's self centered behavior is a hindrance to a happy marriage; we're on similar minded spiritual journeys; and we have some of the same personality traits.
I think that 2 things are the bulk of the reason we're not working out, we don't live in the same neighborhood and our kids are not the same ages or genders. However, I can't help but feeling the same way I felt at the table last Saturday. I wonder if she was being polite, but had no real interest in me. I don't want to feel that way so, I'm letting the possibility go. Even if her intention was sincere, I don't think she'll notice.
We have common areas: We both had parents who loved us but were terrible for our self-esteem (for me it was my father and for her it was a now deceased mother); we both have been dealing with depression; we've got household issues; we love our kids but find their personalities a challenge; we have creative aspirations but have a hard time being able to express them; we are both married to men who's self centered behavior is a hindrance to a happy marriage; we're on similar minded spiritual journeys; and we have some of the same personality traits.
I think that 2 things are the bulk of the reason we're not working out, we don't live in the same neighborhood and our kids are not the same ages or genders. However, I can't help but feeling the same way I felt at the table last Saturday. I wonder if she was being polite, but had no real interest in me. I don't want to feel that way so, I'm letting the possibility go. Even if her intention was sincere, I don't think she'll notice.
i'm not doing well
OK so this ended up getting out of hand, but I don't have any other place to get it out of my system.
I'm feeling very depressed lately. I can't seem to get myself up to do the things that need to be done - other than the ones that HAVE to be done, like taking care of the kiddos. It was going along pretty well and then I came to the end of my thread - literally and figuratively. In my determination to finish some of my crafty projects I returned to the aprons. This was no easy feat, I mean just having the supplies out in the presence of the kids is a challenge. Then I ran out of bobbin when I was 3/4 done with the final round of top stitching on apron 1. Not a big problem normally (well it is to the perfectionist side of me but the action side of me is a screw-up so the perfectionist is learning to chill), but in this instance I apparently picked out the only bobbin that doesn't have a matching spool. Going to the store, especially a specialty store, is incredibly difficult. This is prime example of why I don't get my projects completed - things that in-and-of themselves are little, but in my circumstances are big.
It was the beginning of bad patch. I hosted a dual baby shower in a house I hate. My husband's separation date arrived. I've had May wrong in my head for the whole month and almost missed by best friend's daughter's christening. As it was we couldn't find them in the church complex and missed most of the short ceremony. We raced to our other, rare, social event and ended up sitting next to 2 families that, well there's no single word for it. The women are nice and if I am ever alone with them conversation is OK, but if others are around I get left out. This time was no exception. The women talked, to each other, most of the time about shopping. I got a chance to interject a question about vacations and then they returned to their own world. I made a little joke about a shared name to one of the husbands and was completely ignored -worse really, he looked at me as I spoke and then turned away. My husband was so uncomfortable that he walked around while he ate rather than sit with us (thanks). Their daughters are clique-ish too, one of them even telling my daughters not to laugh along with them. The girls got up to go with my husband so I sat there "alone" until I was done feeding the baby and then moved to the group of women that I normally socialize with. I have never felt that cliques really existed in our club until that day. I went on a little bit of a tangent I guess it bothered me more than I realized.
Finances are hard right now too. Every time we get to a point of being able to afford improvements in our lives, something crops up that will take years to recover from. When my husband sold a large chunk of stock, he decided to quit working altogether and go back to school - for 5 years. Just after graduation, he injured himself because he has a policy of brute force to fix problems (not talking about fighting) and we had to buy private insurance and would still have bills. When we began to see some savings from his job (which he didn't start until a year after graduation) he gets laid off. We discover that we were lied to about the insurance and it won't cover the bills so we're suddenly $17,000 in debt plus the $3000 we forked over for bogus insurance. There are no car seats small enough to fit 3 of them in my car when the baby turns 1 at the end of the week. Because of the $17,000 we can no longer afford "new" cars - that amount just so happens to be the same amount we could finance with some stretch to make payments on a particular used minivan with the features we need/want. My husband's suggestion is "I have a temp job and I can do freelance, let's spend the severance package on the van" Yeah, OK a TEMP job (consulting for the company that just laid him off) and freelancing where he makes 70% of his salary, if he worked 2080 hours a year, and he has a terrible work ethic on. (this is a SORE point for me, he goes out to a coffee shop, sits there for 3 hours and only does one hour of billable work and complains constantly that he has this work to do but I won't let him get it done)
I'm just so tired of barely keeping our heads above water. I get enough time to myself that I don't go completely crazy but not enough that I feel satisfied with myself. When he has a regular job, we have enough money to pay bills but not enough for nice used cars, dance lessons, "cosmetic" dental work, to replace the broken couch, buy the kids actual beds, cover the bare back splash, without going into debt... And what does get done around here, gets done in such a crappy way that I don't enjoy it - even when we hire people. My husband isn't so bad a guy that divorce is obvious, but I can't stand sharing this house with him. My parents love me, but disappoint me mostly through favoring my sister with favors to the point that I often can't get the help I need when I really need it because they are helping her. I've developed an attitude of apathy about housework that I'm having a terrible time getting over. I'm just tired and I don't know what to do.
I'm feeling very depressed lately. I can't seem to get myself up to do the things that need to be done - other than the ones that HAVE to be done, like taking care of the kiddos. It was going along pretty well and then I came to the end of my thread - literally and figuratively. In my determination to finish some of my crafty projects I returned to the aprons. This was no easy feat, I mean just having the supplies out in the presence of the kids is a challenge. Then I ran out of bobbin when I was 3/4 done with the final round of top stitching on apron 1. Not a big problem normally (well it is to the perfectionist side of me but the action side of me is a screw-up so the perfectionist is learning to chill), but in this instance I apparently picked out the only bobbin that doesn't have a matching spool. Going to the store, especially a specialty store, is incredibly difficult. This is prime example of why I don't get my projects completed - things that in-and-of themselves are little, but in my circumstances are big.
It was the beginning of bad patch. I hosted a dual baby shower in a house I hate. My husband's separation date arrived. I've had May wrong in my head for the whole month and almost missed by best friend's daughter's christening. As it was we couldn't find them in the church complex and missed most of the short ceremony. We raced to our other, rare, social event and ended up sitting next to 2 families that, well there's no single word for it. The women are nice and if I am ever alone with them conversation is OK, but if others are around I get left out. This time was no exception. The women talked, to each other, most of the time about shopping. I got a chance to interject a question about vacations and then they returned to their own world. I made a little joke about a shared name to one of the husbands and was completely ignored -worse really, he looked at me as I spoke and then turned away. My husband was so uncomfortable that he walked around while he ate rather than sit with us (thanks). Their daughters are clique-ish too, one of them even telling my daughters not to laugh along with them. The girls got up to go with my husband so I sat there "alone" until I was done feeding the baby and then moved to the group of women that I normally socialize with. I have never felt that cliques really existed in our club until that day. I went on a little bit of a tangent I guess it bothered me more than I realized.
Finances are hard right now too. Every time we get to a point of being able to afford improvements in our lives, something crops up that will take years to recover from. When my husband sold a large chunk of stock, he decided to quit working altogether and go back to school - for 5 years. Just after graduation, he injured himself because he has a policy of brute force to fix problems (not talking about fighting) and we had to buy private insurance and would still have bills. When we began to see some savings from his job (which he didn't start until a year after graduation) he gets laid off. We discover that we were lied to about the insurance and it won't cover the bills so we're suddenly $17,000 in debt plus the $3000 we forked over for bogus insurance. There are no car seats small enough to fit 3 of them in my car when the baby turns 1 at the end of the week. Because of the $17,000 we can no longer afford "new" cars - that amount just so happens to be the same amount we could finance with some stretch to make payments on a particular used minivan with the features we need/want. My husband's suggestion is "I have a temp job and I can do freelance, let's spend the severance package on the van" Yeah, OK a TEMP job (consulting for the company that just laid him off) and freelancing where he makes 70% of his salary, if he worked 2080 hours a year, and he has a terrible work ethic on. (this is a SORE point for me, he goes out to a coffee shop, sits there for 3 hours and only does one hour of billable work and complains constantly that he has this work to do but I won't let him get it done)
I'm just so tired of barely keeping our heads above water. I get enough time to myself that I don't go completely crazy but not enough that I feel satisfied with myself. When he has a regular job, we have enough money to pay bills but not enough for nice used cars, dance lessons, "cosmetic" dental work, to replace the broken couch, buy the kids actual beds, cover the bare back splash, without going into debt... And what does get done around here, gets done in such a crappy way that I don't enjoy it - even when we hire people. My husband isn't so bad a guy that divorce is obvious, but I can't stand sharing this house with him. My parents love me, but disappoint me mostly through favoring my sister with favors to the point that I often can't get the help I need when I really need it because they are helping her. I've developed an attitude of apathy about housework that I'm having a terrible time getting over. I'm just tired and I don't know what to do.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
B00bies
6/11/08 An editorial note, please excuse the odd typing. However, google analytics informed me that my blog was being read by people searching some of those terms. Not the readership I'm going for!
T@-t@s, h00ters, bre@stestes, bre@sts. I want mine back. I weaned the baby this month and lost my bre@sts along with the milk. I woke up one morning and they were gone. They were already on their way down, but went from overfilling a 32b to barely filling a 32a in one night. After a couple of weeks at a c cup. I cried and am still on the verge of tears about it. It's not exactly a body image thing. My idea of my beauty or sexu@l appeal is not tied to the size of my bre@sts, per se. It is tied to how I look overall and I look better in clothes other than tees, but those are cut and sewn for bre@sts that are larger than mine. Nothing "tailored" fits my chest. I'm very upset. I was really looking forward to buying nice-ish clothes - I'm done being the mommy in jeans and t-shirts everyday!!
What about alterations you say? This is not a hem. To change the shape of a shirt it has to be taken apart, cut and sewn back together. It would cost more than I can afford to spend on a shirt in the first place.
My mom just picked up all 3 kids for an overnight - a first for the baby - because tonight my husband is taking me out for our anniversary. I'm taking these next couple of hours to shop for a strapless bra and shoes. I'd LOVE to be able to say that I happened to find some great shirts too. LOVE IT. Cross your fingers that I'm either successful or don't break down in tears in the fitting room.
T@-t@s, h00ters, bre@stestes, bre@sts. I want mine back. I weaned the baby this month and lost my bre@sts along with the milk. I woke up one morning and they were gone. They were already on their way down, but went from overfilling a 32b to barely filling a 32a in one night. After a couple of weeks at a c cup. I cried and am still on the verge of tears about it. It's not exactly a body image thing. My idea of my beauty or sexu@l appeal is not tied to the size of my bre@sts, per se. It is tied to how I look overall and I look better in clothes other than tees, but those are cut and sewn for bre@sts that are larger than mine. Nothing "tailored" fits my chest. I'm very upset. I was really looking forward to buying nice-ish clothes - I'm done being the mommy in jeans and t-shirts everyday!!
What about alterations you say? This is not a hem. To change the shape of a shirt it has to be taken apart, cut and sewn back together. It would cost more than I can afford to spend on a shirt in the first place.
My mom just picked up all 3 kids for an overnight - a first for the baby - because tonight my husband is taking me out for our anniversary. I'm taking these next couple of hours to shop for a strapless bra and shoes. I'd LOVE to be able to say that I happened to find some great shirts too. LOVE IT. Cross your fingers that I'm either successful or don't break down in tears in the fitting room.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Mother's Day
Yes, I am a mother. Mother's Day mostly sucked, but at least this year I knew it would. I haven't had a truly nice Mother's Day yet. It all started off with me making a point of repeatedly telling my husband that I was going to wait until Mother's Day to take a pregnancy test to confirm the existence of our first child. After I finally asked him if he was going to do anything for me, he huffily pulled into a pharmacy and bought me... a 100Grand bar and an Arizona Green Tea. At least subsequent ones have included a card and occasionally a present. However, I strongly feel that moms should get time off on that day. I was given an empty promise of a day off in the future, when he has a new job, (which will turn into wait until a happens, when b happens, when c happens...)
I asked to instead go out on my regular night for girls' night out and was told I could. Then after family suddenly showed up in town and we visited them on Sunday night, I was punished by not being allowed to go out on Monday. Even though he got home an hour before my meet-up time, he was just too busy to watch the kids. What did that "busy" include? Eating dinner, taking an hour long nap, wandering around the house, and an hour and a half to trim his father's nails.
And here I was, yet again, thinking it was starting to get better.
going back and adding on after that last sentence: Turns out I had really bad strep throat; what did he get at the grocery store? a couple of things for that night's dinner, 1 1/2 gallon kid's milk, AND a case of beer (that took up all the space that normally holds the kids' milk), 2 1/2 gallons of his milk and a couple other things for himself.
I asked to instead go out on my regular night for girls' night out and was told I could. Then after family suddenly showed up in town and we visited them on Sunday night, I was punished by not being allowed to go out on Monday. Even though he got home an hour before my meet-up time, he was just too busy to watch the kids. What did that "busy" include? Eating dinner, taking an hour long nap, wandering around the house, and an hour and a half to trim his father's nails.
And here I was, yet again, thinking it was starting to get better.
going back and adding on after that last sentence: Turns out I had really bad strep throat; what did he get at the grocery store? a couple of things for that night's dinner, 1 1/2 gallon kid's milk, AND a case of beer (that took up all the space that normally holds the kids' milk), 2 1/2 gallons of his milk and a couple other things for himself.
Bon-Bon
On the spur of the moment I decided to make Oreo Bon-Bons for my kids' preschool teachers. I used 1 pack Oreos, minus 5, and 8 oz cream cheese. I found it difficult to combine the 2 in a bowl with a spoon, so I put it in a gallon zipper bag and mashed it up. I made 64 bon-bons that are about 1/2 tablespoon's worth. Some a little bigger some a little smaller. They are in the fridge with their milk chocolate coating. Next time I will use a darker chocolate so the imperfections in my dipping aren't as obvious. And I will thin the chocolate chips more, perhaps try chocolate bark if I can find it. I also think it would be fine to use 2-5 of the Oreos I kept out.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Which came fist, the action or the thought?
Admittedly, this blog has been pretty whiny so far. Which was the point, initially. I wanted an outlet for all the crap I was feeling. I didn't want to spout it to my friends and family and I didn't want to hold it in. During breakfast this morning, I checked out Craftzine's Blog, which I hadn't looked at in a while. On there I found a post taken from Bakerella's blog. She does really cute things that I will be making my own versions of soon. She's inspired me because she's not a professional - she took her first cake decorating class not too long ago - and therefore not intimidating. This got me to thinking about my blog and then my life in general.
Although, I will continue to keep this blog primarily about me, I think it's time I changed the tone a bit. I have lots of small successes that only I care about- so out to the universe they go. This bragging will hopefully boost my mood and esteem.
I'm not only a wife, mother and novice friend. I have a wide interest in arts and crafts, among other things. I know it's not new, I'm sure plenty of regular folk blog their hobbies, but the blogs I've seen so far are from people who profit from their work. (I told you I was new to the world of blogging, not just writing one but searching/reading them as well). I'd see them and think "Wow, that's great! I could try that! (But I'd never be good at it and even if I could, I'm not making a profession out of it so I don't have the time or money to devote to practicing)" This morning Bakerella inspired me to think about posting the projects I make. Here's the conversation I had in my head - at least I think it was in my head ;)
"I could post the projects I'm doing. (That means I'll actually have to finish one first) Why don't I finish things? I don't feel finished. Is that why? Do I not finish stuff because I don't feel finished or do I not feel finished because I don't finish things? Am I disorganized because I feel that way or vice versa? Am I lazy because I'm tired or am I tired because I'm lazy? Am I skinny-fat because I don't feel pretty or..." You get the idea.
In the category of unfinished projects, I bought a kinda nice, spiral bound, divided journal a few weeks ago. In the first section, I'm going to write one thing a day that I'm grateful for. In the next section, I'm going to write one thing that I want to change that I am responsible for (i.e. eat more healthfully) and in the last section, I'm going to write things that I want to see change that I don't have full, or any, control over (i.e. I wish my husband would eat more healthfully). Of course, one of the reasons I haven't started yet is that I don't want to start until I have an exact plan. It is on paper written with a pen! I can't go back, gracefully, and fix my mistakes! So here is my first pseudo entry:
1. I'm thankful I have the brain power to remember that I once thought of keeping a journal when I saw a bargain.
2. I will make a table of contents for journal
3. My "section 3" entries will come to fruition
Although, I will continue to keep this blog primarily about me, I think it's time I changed the tone a bit. I have lots of small successes that only I care about- so out to the universe they go. This bragging will hopefully boost my mood and esteem.
I'm not only a wife, mother and novice friend. I have a wide interest in arts and crafts, among other things. I know it's not new, I'm sure plenty of regular folk blog their hobbies, but the blogs I've seen so far are from people who profit from their work. (I told you I was new to the world of blogging, not just writing one but searching/reading them as well). I'd see them and think "Wow, that's great! I could try that! (But I'd never be good at it and even if I could, I'm not making a profession out of it so I don't have the time or money to devote to practicing)" This morning Bakerella inspired me to think about posting the projects I make. Here's the conversation I had in my head - at least I think it was in my head ;)
"I could post the projects I'm doing. (That means I'll actually have to finish one first) Why don't I finish things? I don't feel finished. Is that why? Do I not finish stuff because I don't feel finished or do I not feel finished because I don't finish things? Am I disorganized because I feel that way or vice versa? Am I lazy because I'm tired or am I tired because I'm lazy? Am I skinny-fat because I don't feel pretty or..." You get the idea.
In the category of unfinished projects, I bought a kinda nice, spiral bound, divided journal a few weeks ago. In the first section, I'm going to write one thing a day that I'm grateful for. In the next section, I'm going to write one thing that I want to change that I am responsible for (i.e. eat more healthfully) and in the last section, I'm going to write things that I want to see change that I don't have full, or any, control over (i.e. I wish my husband would eat more healthfully). Of course, one of the reasons I haven't started yet is that I don't want to start until I have an exact plan. It is on paper written with a pen! I can't go back, gracefully, and fix my mistakes! So here is my first pseudo entry:
1. I'm thankful I have the brain power to remember that I once thought of keeping a journal when I saw a bargain.
2. I will make a table of contents for journal
3. My "section 3" entries will come to fruition
Monday, May 5, 2008
Hubby
I just wanted to add something. I complain about my husband, many do. He drives me nuts and I can't stand living with him most of the time. This is not to say that I don't love him, that I don't wish things were different. However, it is to the point where I cannot always remember why I do love him. So, for your benefit and mine, I'm going to list some of his good attributes.
He's creative - with various art mediums, music and words.
He's ethical - just one example: while preparing to work on his portfolio, he was looking at the formats and example works of others online. He was dismayed to find that someone he knew was showing examples of work that the person was only loosely associated with. He
would never consider doing this although he feels it is common practice and would certainly boost his portfolio.
He allows himself to cry - many men don't.
He's affectionate - which is practically a miracle given his upbringing.
He tells me that he loves me - even in front of his friends which, again, is practically a miracle given his upbringing.
He's family oriented - repeat the "miracle"
He's intelligent - he continues to search out opportunities to learn
He's got similar odd mixes of ideals that I do - conservativism with liberalism, religion with free thinking, government with anti-government, snobbery and acceptance, etc.
He's got growth potential - meaning that the changes I wish to see in him (and that he says he wishes to effect) are characteristics he displays, just not as often as he should. I'm not trying to turn a turkey into a peacock, I just want the peacock to display his feathers more often.
Areas of growth potential include, but are not limited to: Thoughtfulness, consideration, kindness, parenting, and spousing.
I just hope that his stated desire to "display his feathers" overcomes his objectionable "habits."
He's creative - with various art mediums, music and words.
He's ethical - just one example: while preparing to work on his portfolio, he was looking at the formats and example works of others online. He was dismayed to find that someone he knew was showing examples of work that the person was only loosely associated with. He
would never consider doing this although he feels it is common practice and would certainly boost his portfolio.
He allows himself to cry - many men don't.
He's affectionate - which is practically a miracle given his upbringing.
He tells me that he loves me - even in front of his friends which, again, is practically a miracle given his upbringing.
He's family oriented - repeat the "miracle"
He's intelligent - he continues to search out opportunities to learn
He's got similar odd mixes of ideals that I do - conservativism with liberalism, religion with free thinking, government with anti-government, snobbery and acceptance, etc.
He's got growth potential - meaning that the changes I wish to see in him (and that he says he wishes to effect) are characteristics he displays, just not as often as he should. I'm not trying to turn a turkey into a peacock, I just want the peacock to display his feathers more often.
Areas of growth potential include, but are not limited to: Thoughtfulness, consideration, kindness, parenting, and spousing.
I just hope that his stated desire to "display his feathers" overcomes his objectionable "habits."
Ugh, I'm sick
I hate being sick - especially the vomitous kind. Vomiting was the only thing I was still worried about at the birth of my 3rd (which didn't happen YAY!) I came down with a stomach bug on Wednesday and so did the baby. Hubby had to come home to take care of everyone and he stayed home the next day, too. I think he did OK, but I wasn't really there. I tried to make sure to thank him throughout the day. He didn't do some of the things he complains about me not doing. Due to the often contentious nature of our relationship, I have to wonder if this was due to the same reasons I don't get everything done or if he was purposely neglecting to do it because he feels that I do it on purpose. For many reasons, I hope it is the former.
As I was recovering from the bug, my neck and shoulders began to hurt more than usual. A sinus thing I guess, that has turned into tonsilitis. He told me on the phone that he would go to the grocery store after work. Perhaps this is the beginning of a era for us? A kind and helpful husband - imagine that!
As I was recovering from the bug, my neck and shoulders began to hurt more than usual. A sinus thing I guess, that has turned into tonsilitis. He told me on the phone that he would go to the grocery store after work. Perhaps this is the beginning of a era for us? A kind and helpful husband - imagine that!
Monday, April 21, 2008
Not that I think you're out there
I don't have a reason, yet, to think anyone other than myself knows about this blog. Anyway... When I first started this blog, I disallowed comments. I have just changed that. Before, I was too afraid of what others might say to me. I didn't want to open myself up to hurt feelings caused by strangers. I still don't. I don't want to be judged by people who don't actually know me. It's bad enough when people know you and they judge you in error. This is big for me.
Not THE Mommy!
I've been having a hard time these past few days. If I want anyone to do anything around here it is a battle. Fussing, nagging, whining, arguing, dragging of feet, all that, from all 3 that can talk and plenty of crying from the one that can't talk -yet. Notice that these numbers include my husband. I had to send him upstairs twice on Saturday to take care of his BO. I really hate that I have finally put it into words, but he is like a boy who has just begun to have BO and doesn't notice or remember, or is too lazy, to do something about it. I find that I frequently have to remind him to put on deodorant and since he gets up before I do that means he often doesn't wear any and comes home with BO. I imagine he has it at work as well. Saturday, he'd been outside working on the car with the help of a couple of friends. One invited him to come over to watch hockey. Now, this is a fledgling friendship. I've met the wife once or twice and I like her and they have young children so we're a good fit for family friends. Not wanting to scare them off, I asked him if he had on deodorant - "No". He goes upstairs for a while and when he returns I ask, "Did you put on deodorant?"- "Yes"- "Did you clean off the old sweat before you put it on?" (notice how I knew I had to ask that question) the answer, "No, do you want me to take a shower or something?" - "At least take a washcloth and hot, soapy water and clean up then put on more deodorant." Now, notice that I had to specify "washcloth and hot, soapy water." "You're acting like a mom or something," he said. Since he was trying to make a joke I remained silent when I really wanted to shout "Don't you think that's a PROBLEM?? Isn't there something wrong when your wife has to remind your 43-year-old-stinky-self to put on deodorant on a regular basis??!!!"
I really didn't mean to go in this direction, I guess I've had enough of it - 10 years of it. I'm sick of being his mother!
Anyone get my totally obscure TV reference? I could only recall the line and had to google it to find out where I remembered it from.
I really didn't mean to go in this direction, I guess I've had enough of it - 10 years of it. I'm sick of being his mother!
Anyone get my totally obscure TV reference? I could only recall the line and had to google it to find out where I remembered it from.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.
I am reading a book by John and Staci Eldredge, "Captivating". I do not normally read books like that - religious ones, I mean. I have not had a great experience with organized religion, neither personally nor in my learning through histories and media. I find the rigidity I am often met with to be narrow minded and not on the side of God. I do not believe that humans can get religion entirely right and I resent those who claim their way is the ONLY way. I think that at the very least, it is presumptive and at the worst, it is raising themselves up to the level of God.
The way this relates to the book is that they don't claim to be the authority. And many -not all- of their views would be progressive, I guess, maybe liberal? This book looks at femininity and womanhood in terms of the bible - how it translates to our lives through biblical times, history, families and even pop culture. I don't agree with all they say, you won't find me shouting out to the evil spirits that they would claim cause my continual pain and I certainly don't think I NEED a man to pray for/with me (she prayed, too, but felt she had to turn to an acquaintance to help her past getting in an argument with another woman).
As you may have guessed from the tenor of this blog, I am searching for myself. For understanding, for happiness, for faith, for purpose, for motivation, for relief... I have really only talked about it with one of my friends and I didn't really list out everything to her. She knows I am looking for books to help me on this quest, she is the only one. "Captivating" came to me from my brother. Yes, my younger brother who I don't discuss religion with because he says believes the Bible is literal and has been protected from alteration throughout the centuries. When I challenge him, I get the sense that he doesn't really believe that by the way he gets flustered, but he is still new to his quest and I don't have any intention of upsetting him. He can believe what he wants, but he gets a little frustrated with me that I don't believe that way too. I believe in time we will be able to discuss it.
While I outright don't understand some parts, I have learned a thing or 2 as well and it has inspired more questions. I am mainly concentrating on using this information to improve my marriage. I, however, am not the only person in my marriage. I have asked him to read books before and he never has. I went through "Babyproofing Your Marriage" with Post-Its handy, making notes and notations with the assurance that he would read it too. He got to page 4, over the course of 2 hours that he spent in the bedroom one evening, away from the family, and he didn't touch it again. (I didn't include the Post-Its) I have told him that I find "Captivating" interesting for the points it makes about raising girls and am appealing to him to read it for the same reasons. Which is true. The same goes with their book about men. I'm hoping he'll read these as an interested parent, since I don't think he'll do it as a husband. So, my problem is, if I hand this over in faith to God, how am I supposed to stand up for myself when he's being a jackass? If his behavior is not acceptable, what am I supposed to be doing? Having faith doesn't mean God will make everything perfect. It doesn't mean He will transform my husband into the person he says he is/wants to be. Having faith in my husband is FAR different from having faith in God. That is the problem I'm having with translating the lessons in the book to real life. It's a start and I'm sure you'll be hearing more about it.
I can't get the link to work properly from my title "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret."
The way this relates to the book is that they don't claim to be the authority. And many -not all- of their views would be progressive, I guess, maybe liberal? This book looks at femininity and womanhood in terms of the bible - how it translates to our lives through biblical times, history, families and even pop culture. I don't agree with all they say, you won't find me shouting out to the evil spirits that they would claim cause my continual pain and I certainly don't think I NEED a man to pray for/with me (she prayed, too, but felt she had to turn to an acquaintance to help her past getting in an argument with another woman).
As you may have guessed from the tenor of this blog, I am searching for myself. For understanding, for happiness, for faith, for purpose, for motivation, for relief... I have really only talked about it with one of my friends and I didn't really list out everything to her. She knows I am looking for books to help me on this quest, she is the only one. "Captivating" came to me from my brother. Yes, my younger brother who I don't discuss religion with because he says believes the Bible is literal and has been protected from alteration throughout the centuries. When I challenge him, I get the sense that he doesn't really believe that by the way he gets flustered, but he is still new to his quest and I don't have any intention of upsetting him. He can believe what he wants, but he gets a little frustrated with me that I don't believe that way too. I believe in time we will be able to discuss it.
While I outright don't understand some parts, I have learned a thing or 2 as well and it has inspired more questions. I am mainly concentrating on using this information to improve my marriage. I, however, am not the only person in my marriage. I have asked him to read books before and he never has. I went through "Babyproofing Your Marriage" with Post-Its handy, making notes and notations with the assurance that he would read it too. He got to page 4, over the course of 2 hours that he spent in the bedroom one evening, away from the family, and he didn't touch it again. (I didn't include the Post-Its) I have told him that I find "Captivating" interesting for the points it makes about raising girls and am appealing to him to read it for the same reasons. Which is true. The same goes with their book about men. I'm hoping he'll read these as an interested parent, since I don't think he'll do it as a husband. So, my problem is, if I hand this over in faith to God, how am I supposed to stand up for myself when he's being a jackass? If his behavior is not acceptable, what am I supposed to be doing? Having faith doesn't mean God will make everything perfect. It doesn't mean He will transform my husband into the person he says he is/wants to be. Having faith in my husband is FAR different from having faith in God. That is the problem I'm having with translating the lessons in the book to real life. It's a start and I'm sure you'll be hearing more about it.
I can't get the link to work properly from my title "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret."
Thursday, April 3, 2008
My sympathies
Actually, I have very little sympathy left, at least towards one person in particular. This is because they have run my well dry and then went digging in the dust.
I have been thinking about this for many hours and here's my theory.
(Some people are obnoxiously insecure and become just plain whiny - this is not about them)
People subconsciously look for sympathy as a way of checking if they are cared about. You say to a person "Person, this bad thing has happened." You are hoping to hear Person reply, "I'm sorry to hear that" and then offer some gesture of comfort i.e. a hug, a pat on the arm, encouragement or even an offer of help. Or even "Well, that sucks" will suffice in many situations. This response tells you that Person cares about your well being - that they see you as a person who is worthy of being cared about.
If instead, you hear a veritable echo of your words, or worse a 1-upper, it tells you that Person is more concerned with themselves than with anything else. This response tells you that Person will not let you be a focus of attention and instead tries to turn the tables to get you to give them sympathy while you get none. Person is saying, "I don't care what has happened to you, I don't care if your well being is not optimal, I care about me, I will only discuss me."
I have been challenged with the defense of "empathy". Merriam-Webster says it is "the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner"
The action of understanding. When person says, "That same bad thing is happening to me" or that it has happened, there is no understanding expressed - nothing related to you is expressed. If person says, "That same bad thing happened to me and it was even worse" it sends a clear message of "How DARE you complain to me! I have it worse! Give me ALL the attention! You don't deserve to even finish your thought! I'm the ONLY one that matters!" If Person changed it to "I know how poorly you must feel since I've experienced it, too" AND follows up with the comforting gesture, then is is empathy.
A friend turns to a friend for sympathy for validation of the mutual friendship and more often than not (I believe) to get a little advice or hear a different perspective. A child looks to a parent for sympathy to know that the parent will do what they can to fix the things they can't protect the child from or to let them know they are still loved even when they mess up. A spouse looks to the other for sympathy so know they are still an important part of their spouse's life. If you keep finding ways of letting someone know they are not important to you, they will begin to wonder why you should be important to them.
I have been thinking about this for many hours and here's my theory.
(Some people are obnoxiously insecure and become just plain whiny - this is not about them)
People subconsciously look for sympathy as a way of checking if they are cared about. You say to a person "Person, this bad thing has happened." You are hoping to hear Person reply, "I'm sorry to hear that" and then offer some gesture of comfort i.e. a hug, a pat on the arm, encouragement or even an offer of help. Or even "Well, that sucks" will suffice in many situations. This response tells you that Person cares about your well being - that they see you as a person who is worthy of being cared about.
If instead, you hear a veritable echo of your words, or worse a 1-upper, it tells you that Person is more concerned with themselves than with anything else. This response tells you that Person will not let you be a focus of attention and instead tries to turn the tables to get you to give them sympathy while you get none. Person is saying, "I don't care what has happened to you, I don't care if your well being is not optimal, I care about me, I will only discuss me."
I have been challenged with the defense of "empathy". Merriam-Webster says it is "the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner"
The action of understanding. When person says, "That same bad thing is happening to me" or that it has happened, there is no understanding expressed - nothing related to you is expressed. If person says, "That same bad thing happened to me and it was even worse" it sends a clear message of "How DARE you complain to me! I have it worse! Give me ALL the attention! You don't deserve to even finish your thought! I'm the ONLY one that matters!" If Person changed it to "I know how poorly you must feel since I've experienced it, too" AND follows up with the comforting gesture, then is is empathy.
A friend turns to a friend for sympathy for validation of the mutual friendship and more often than not (I believe) to get a little advice or hear a different perspective. A child looks to a parent for sympathy to know that the parent will do what they can to fix the things they can't protect the child from or to let them know they are still loved even when they mess up. A spouse looks to the other for sympathy so know they are still an important part of their spouse's life. If you keep finding ways of letting someone know they are not important to you, they will begin to wonder why you should be important to them.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
To have the body image of a 2 year old
I would not normally put things that my kids have said or done on here because I'm trying to get away from that being a main topic for me. However, my 2 year old has actually said a couple of things that are on point for another topic. Being the mother of 3, I wonder if my body will always look like this or if there is any hope for me - in other words, is there any hope of me getting to a gym again in this lifetime. Being a modern mother with the plethora of information on the many ways we can damage our children's psyche with a glance, I also take care to not say anything about my body in front of my kids. I have considered what medical procedures I would and wouldn't have done and why (just a side note, for the most part it's a "no") Back to the kids...
A few weeks ago, my 4 year old and I were discussing the necessity and benefits of eating a variety of foods, yes we really were. The main benefit being that it makes our bodies grow healthy. "What parts?" she asks. So I start answering, your arms, your legs, your nose, your ears, your heart... My 2 year old asks, "Is mine tushie growing, too?" "Yes," I reply. With glee she exclaims, "I gonna grow a GREAT BIG tushie!" Then when she has that great big tushie of hers and she poses the same questions to herself as I have, I can be fairly confident that her decision will be well thought out (that is if you can base her adult behavior patterns upon her toddler behaviors!) I know this because yesterday they were "helping" me hang pictures by holding my light weight hammer. When a little bit of a tug began I warned, "Be careful, don't drop it on your toes or they might break off and you'll have to go to the hospital." The oldest asked if the doctors can put it back on I told her that sometimes doctors can put bodies back together. My 2 year old states, "If I fall down the doctor might put mine tushie on backwards" So at 2 she already knows 2 things related to body image that a great deal of adults don't: don't just accept your body, be excited about it and plastic surgery isn't "surgery-lite" it may go seriously wrong!
A few weeks ago, my 4 year old and I were discussing the necessity and benefits of eating a variety of foods, yes we really were. The main benefit being that it makes our bodies grow healthy. "What parts?" she asks. So I start answering, your arms, your legs, your nose, your ears, your heart... My 2 year old asks, "Is mine tushie growing, too?" "Yes," I reply. With glee she exclaims, "I gonna grow a GREAT BIG tushie!" Then when she has that great big tushie of hers and she poses the same questions to herself as I have, I can be fairly confident that her decision will be well thought out (that is if you can base her adult behavior patterns upon her toddler behaviors!) I know this because yesterday they were "helping" me hang pictures by holding my light weight hammer. When a little bit of a tug began I warned, "Be careful, don't drop it on your toes or they might break off and you'll have to go to the hospital." The oldest asked if the doctors can put it back on I told her that sometimes doctors can put bodies back together. My 2 year old states, "If I fall down the doctor might put mine tushie on backwards" So at 2 she already knows 2 things related to body image that a great deal of adults don't: don't just accept your body, be excited about it and plastic surgery isn't "surgery-lite" it may go seriously wrong!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Sinking or swimming?
I can't tell if things are getting better or if they're getting worse. Which is strange, you'd think that would be fairly obvious. But, some things are getting better and some are getting worse. I don't know which will have the greater cumulative effect.
My husband seems to be in better spirits, while I seem to be in worse ones. At the moment though I believe that is hormonal. I know I wrote about it once before, but it's getting worse. When I am done nursing I will look into homeopathic remedies for these swings from low to lower I just hope I can make it. It doesn't help that youngest won't drink anything else, making weaning MUCH harder.
Husband plans on renting a portable storage container so we can empty out a room and fix it up, go through all the stuff and create storage for it. I'm all for it, in theory. In reality, I'm worried it will become a long term thing and cost us many hundreds of dollars. I won't express this to him, though. I do know better than that after all these years. I just hope he will come up with a plan and follow through - god if he did that on a regular basis, well I almost can't imagine how different life would be. No point on dwelling on that, let's just hope that swimming wins out.
My husband seems to be in better spirits, while I seem to be in worse ones. At the moment though I believe that is hormonal. I know I wrote about it once before, but it's getting worse. When I am done nursing I will look into homeopathic remedies for these swings from low to lower I just hope I can make it. It doesn't help that youngest won't drink anything else, making weaning MUCH harder.
Husband plans on renting a portable storage container so we can empty out a room and fix it up, go through all the stuff and create storage for it. I'm all for it, in theory. In reality, I'm worried it will become a long term thing and cost us many hundreds of dollars. I won't express this to him, though. I do know better than that after all these years. I just hope he will come up with a plan and follow through - god if he did that on a regular basis, well I almost can't imagine how different life would be. No point on dwelling on that, let's just hope that swimming wins out.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
three-oh
I drafted a post a few weeks ago about the fact that I was turning 30. The number itself doesn't bother me it's just that my life is SO different than what I thought it would be 10 years ago. Well, actually slightly more than 10 years ago - see I'm at about the 10th anniversary of meeting my now husband. I was feeling sorry for myself and angry at my husband for not living up to my expectations (which I think are pretty low). So for the time being, I'm abandoning that post to start a new one.
I thought things would be fairly settled when I was 30 with some major events left on the horizion, but our lives are in transition right now. With husband's job hunting, young children and the fact that I do HAVE to return to college and work as soon as the youngest is in P-K.
Also, with the way we live in this house. I HATE it. This is only my home by the way it happens to hold my family and my stuff. That is why I'm angry at my husband. I can handle the fact that I got married much younger than planned, I can handle that I've had children much younger, and closer together, than planned, I do struggle, now, with putting off my schooling so my husband could continue his, but even that I can handle in the bigger picture. What I cannot handle is not having the type of home I envisioned, they type of home that I NEED.
I moved into his house and never tried to put my foot down until it was WAY too late. Although, now that I've got kids and I see how they will choose just about any lack of reward or punishment over doing a chore, I'm not sure there was ever any hope of getting him to actually do the majority things he says he will. THAT is what has got me bothered about turning 30. The sense of desperation, aloneness, lack of control, and feeling lost instead of feeling secure. I've been without a "home" feeling for 14 years, my soul has no place to settle. At least in the 4 prior years I was moving around a lot and there was a reason I didn't feel at home, but I've been in one spot for 10 - TEN - years now and still don't feel at home. There is no care put into this house, no pride, no general courtesies. He is so damned attached to this hole that he wouldn't even consider moving when we had the means and a real need to, yet he doesn't take care of it. As a matter of routine, he doesn't clean up after himself, or do regular maintenance or aesthetic projects. The worst part is that I've gone the route of "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." There is no point of me doing my part if he isn't doing his part. Now that I am happy in this particular location (friends and activities) he wants to move. 1. What's to say he won't behave exactly the same with a fresh start? 2. He still has to complete a major portion of the list in order to sell this house. If he did #2 we'd be so much happier here and with each other.
Obviously, I'm still angry even though this post is better than the other!
At 30 I've reached my first real milestone birthday and I have decisions to make, tough ones that my heart doesn't want to make. If it can't be love and me then it has to be one or the other.
A PS: 10 years is twice as long as I have ever lived any where else so it is especially significant to me
I thought things would be fairly settled when I was 30 with some major events left on the horizion, but our lives are in transition right now. With husband's job hunting, young children and the fact that I do HAVE to return to college and work as soon as the youngest is in P-K.
Also, with the way we live in this house. I HATE it. This is only my home by the way it happens to hold my family and my stuff. That is why I'm angry at my husband. I can handle the fact that I got married much younger than planned, I can handle that I've had children much younger, and closer together, than planned, I do struggle, now, with putting off my schooling so my husband could continue his, but even that I can handle in the bigger picture. What I cannot handle is not having the type of home I envisioned, they type of home that I NEED.
I moved into his house and never tried to put my foot down until it was WAY too late. Although, now that I've got kids and I see how they will choose just about any lack of reward or punishment over doing a chore, I'm not sure there was ever any hope of getting him to actually do the majority things he says he will. THAT is what has got me bothered about turning 30. The sense of desperation, aloneness, lack of control, and feeling lost instead of feeling secure. I've been without a "home" feeling for 14 years, my soul has no place to settle. At least in the 4 prior years I was moving around a lot and there was a reason I didn't feel at home, but I've been in one spot for 10 - TEN - years now and still don't feel at home. There is no care put into this house, no pride, no general courtesies. He is so damned attached to this hole that he wouldn't even consider moving when we had the means and a real need to, yet he doesn't take care of it. As a matter of routine, he doesn't clean up after himself, or do regular maintenance or aesthetic projects. The worst part is that I've gone the route of "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." There is no point of me doing my part if he isn't doing his part. Now that I am happy in this particular location (friends and activities) he wants to move. 1. What's to say he won't behave exactly the same with a fresh start? 2. He still has to complete a major portion of the list in order to sell this house. If he did #2 we'd be so much happier here and with each other.
Obviously, I'm still angry even though this post is better than the other!
At 30 I've reached my first real milestone birthday and I have decisions to make, tough ones that my heart doesn't want to make. If it can't be love and me then it has to be one or the other.
A PS: 10 years is twice as long as I have ever lived any where else so it is especially significant to me
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Our first big injury AKA Follow your "Momtuition"
Yesterday Biggest was at preschool. She wouldn't get up off the floor to go see the speaker so the director grabbed her hand and pulled her (despite the fact that her care forms state that her arms are not to be pulled on). Biggest pulled back. Resulting in elbow and shoulder pain. When her teacher called me, Biggest wouldn't talk to me and wouldn't say if she wanted to come home or not so I figured she was OK enough to stay. When I went to pick them up, she was happy though holding her arm straight down and not moving it. When we were leaving, another girl reached down to hold Biggest's hand which elicited a howl of pain such as I have never heard from her. It took a while to calm her down and get her to tell me exactly where she hurt. After an excruciating entry into her car seat, I went home to look up a pediatric orthopedist. Difficulty after difficulty and some tears from both of us. No one can see her until the next day. I DON'T want to take her to the ER. Since she is not swelling or bruising the nurse feels that is fine. FINALLY her PCP calls back (all I asked for was for the referrals lady to get me a name - now I have to pay a phone consult fee! But that brings up another topic) and he says he doubts that she needs to be seen by a doctor "it's simply another instance of nursemaid's elbow". I inform him I have already made an appointment and I will be keeping it. GOOD THING I LISTENED TO MYSELF - her radial bone is cracked. Can you imagine if I had listened to him? Not that I usually quash my instincts, but it irritates me when people expect me to.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Forgiving Grandmother and her husband
In circumstances that Oprah would certainly have a name for, on 2/6 when I wrote this post, the Oprah show was about "The Secret". I don't usually watch Oprah as it airs, but record it and watch it at some point later. The 6th was no exception and I didn't watch it until some days later. While I believe in some of the basic principles "The Secret" offers, I don't buy into the book or the movie - figuratively and literally.
I thought that the reason this show was good for me was the segment about the wife's attitude when her husband was laid-off. Her reaction was about the same as mine.
Later, I realized that the real reason I was watching the show was to learn another definition of "forgiveness." (I may edit this post at a later date to make the recount more accurate) One of the ladies on the panel said that forgiveness is letting go of the emotional response to someone/thing and not let it affect your life anymore. I had always been torn and feeling guilty over my decision to compartmentalize my grandmother the way I had while at the same time I knew it was for the best. I now see that deciding to only think of her in her prime was a way of forgiving her for her bad times (rather than focusing my attention to her bad times).
As for her husband- My brother and I discussed him prior to the funeral. I told my brother that I didn't forgive the man because he wouldn't take full ownership of his actions and had not asked to be forgiven for even the lesser things he admitted to. (*) I rarely think about that man and he is isn't really attached to any of my good memories of Grandmother. If I can erase him more completely then I suppose that means I've forgiven him. Not condoned, as the Oprah guest pointed out, just taken the power away from a negative so there is more power for the positive. Surprisingly, that does lift a weight I didn't know I was carrying.
*(A statement which I can tell irritated my brother who is exploring his Christianity - a topic I won't go into depth with him on because I don't believe in arguing about non-harming religious views and he isn't of the same frame of mind)
I thought that the reason this show was good for me was the segment about the wife's attitude when her husband was laid-off. Her reaction was about the same as mine.
Later, I realized that the real reason I was watching the show was to learn another definition of "forgiveness." (I may edit this post at a later date to make the recount more accurate) One of the ladies on the panel said that forgiveness is letting go of the emotional response to someone/thing and not let it affect your life anymore. I had always been torn and feeling guilty over my decision to compartmentalize my grandmother the way I had while at the same time I knew it was for the best. I now see that deciding to only think of her in her prime was a way of forgiving her for her bad times (rather than focusing my attention to her bad times).
As for her husband- My brother and I discussed him prior to the funeral. I told my brother that I didn't forgive the man because he wouldn't take full ownership of his actions and had not asked to be forgiven for even the lesser things he admitted to. (*) I rarely think about that man and he is isn't really attached to any of my good memories of Grandmother. If I can erase him more completely then I suppose that means I've forgiven him. Not condoned, as the Oprah guest pointed out, just taken the power away from a negative so there is more power for the positive. Surprisingly, that does lift a weight I didn't know I was carrying.
*(A statement which I can tell irritated my brother who is exploring his Christianity - a topic I won't go into depth with him on because I don't believe in arguing about non-harming religious views and he isn't of the same frame of mind)
Gratuitous Valentine's Day Post
I'm not going to gush about my evening exactly except to say that it is the first Valentine's Day Hubby and I have really celebrated in 6 years! We spent the whole evening together and didn't argue once! Not even an itty-bitty one!
Thank you to my friends who double teamed my kids so I could go and whose kids I will be sitting on Saturday so they can go - with help of another friend whose child was watched last night too.
Thank you to my friends who double teamed my kids so I could go and whose kids I will be sitting on Saturday so they can go - with help of another friend whose child was watched last night too.
In memory of joy
Life comes and goes so quickly sometimes that it can take us by surprise. Today, I celebrate the lives of my children and of all the children that I care about. I think a little harder about the ones who are still little enough to be at risk for SIDS.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
HORMONES!
I have had trouble with PMS pains since this whole thing started in middle school. In college I started the pill. About that time I began to have migraines every weekend, but no doctor was able to give me a good answer and no meds seemed to work. One day, I was at yet another dr. and while waiting I saw a poster about menopause. When the doc came in to meet me I said, "Actually, I have 9 out of 10 of those menopause symptoms", "Oh yeah, birth control can cause that" was his reply. Thank you doctor number 4!!! I tried several formulations but nothing improved so I haven't been on birth control since 2000. EIGHT years and THREE kids later, my body is finally performing like it did prior to being on birth control.
However, what used to be simply annoying mood swings have been combined with sleep-deprivation and a lot of stress. The result is Tantrum City - being that my ill moods not only upset me but they feed my children too. This is not good especially with the added factor of willful and uncooperative youngsters. The older ones actually chose to take a "nap time-out" over putting away toys and having lunch which they claimed they were SO hungry for. I don't think I would have put that out there if I actually thought they would choose to not eat. Or if I weren't so hormonal. And tired.
The only real upside to the return of my regular hormone function is the affect on my sex life. Mind you, I'm not always happy enough with Hubby to want to have sex, but when I do want to, it is facilitated by normal hormone reactions. How long will it take him to fully absorb that when he is helpful and not grumpy, I'm easy? Well, "easier" - I still need sleep!
Well, this got to be a little "rambly", but I feel better so I'm posting it!
However, what used to be simply annoying mood swings have been combined with sleep-deprivation and a lot of stress. The result is Tantrum City - being that my ill moods not only upset me but they feed my children too. This is not good especially with the added factor of willful and uncooperative youngsters. The older ones actually chose to take a "nap time-out" over putting away toys and having lunch which they claimed they were SO hungry for. I don't think I would have put that out there if I actually thought they would choose to not eat. Or if I weren't so hormonal. And tired.
The only real upside to the return of my regular hormone function is the affect on my sex life. Mind you, I'm not always happy enough with Hubby to want to have sex, but when I do want to, it is facilitated by normal hormone reactions. How long will it take him to fully absorb that when he is helpful and not grumpy, I'm easy? Well, "easier" - I still need sleep!
Well, this got to be a little "rambly", but I feel better so I'm posting it!
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
It's going to be OK, Really
OK, after my mild panic attack, I realized that Hubby's "out-placement" is a blessing in disguise.
This job was in his field, but in his safe zone. He was not challenged nor did he have the room for professional growth that he deserves. It had safe tasks, safe salary, safe benefits. What fun is life without a few risks, right? Now he has the opportunity to find a job with wider range, that will challenge him and help him to grow. He will get the salary he deserves and the benefits package will be better suited for us. He will find an employer willing to wait until after his separation date so he can get the severance package he deserves. Most importantly this change will lead to a happier family.
This job was in his field, but in his safe zone. He was not challenged nor did he have the room for professional growth that he deserves. It had safe tasks, safe salary, safe benefits. What fun is life without a few risks, right? Now he has the opportunity to find a job with wider range, that will challenge him and help him to grow. He will get the salary he deserves and the benefits package will be better suited for us. He will find an employer willing to wait until after his separation date so he can get the severance package he deserves. Most importantly this change will lead to a happier family.
Monday, February 4, 2008
I just took a breath
I was finally starting to feel comfortable with our financial situation. I don't worry about buying groceries, we have health insurance AND can afford the doctor, I've been able to pay the school on time. We were even about to purchase a used van that can accommodate the family and our strollers. Now the axe falls on my husband's office on May 15th. The international corporation is trying to get this division sold and is "consolidating" by closing all these little businesses it had been purchasing in the past few years. Of course my husband doesn't have any regular job where he can go just about anywhere and find work. He has a specialized career, where job openings are few and far between and which often don't pay all that well. This job was a rare gem with good benefits, high salary, somewhat flexible hours and not too far away. It took him a year to find it. After going back to school for 5 years. I cannot do that again. I am in a panic but still at home with the kiddos so I can't show it in any way.
And so she goes to where her delusions are true
I went to my grandmother's funeral yesterday. I don't know what to say about the woman. I barely knew her. I love her and I love the image I have of her - I'm not letting go of those things.
Until a couple of weeks ago, I hadn't seen her in 10 or more years. She was manic-depressive and bi-polar. I don't understand the differences I just know those are the diagnoses. Her second husband was not a good man; he masqueraded as one and for a long time got away with it. He's still putting forth lies and excuses about what he did to my mother and sister. Grandmother chose to believe him and didn't seem content to ignore this vast difference of opinion when she was dealing with my mother. My mom was willing to try but was very anxious before contacting Grandmother and usually came away upset and crying. I chose to stand by my mother and sister and not cultivate a relationship with someone who hurt them so much. Though, in truth, it was a decision to protect myself as well.
It's not even just that she chose to believe him (although she did sometimes admit he may have done something he shouldn't have), it's the way she did it along with her other delusions. For instance she insisted that my parents left us children with her and her husband for 6 months while my parents gambled away their life savings in Las Vegas. This of course is part of the excuse for her husband's actions - they abandoned us so they are responsible for anything that may have happened so don't have the right to "complain" about it. Not that the time lines even match - what he did to my sister happened when I was 10 and this Las Vegas cover story would have taken place when I was 12.
In my mind, I lost my grandmother all those years ago. I've mourned the loss of her plenty. But now that she is actually gone I'm torn between keeping that separation and feeling like I should have tried to reach out more. I'm not sure it would have brought me any closer to her and it may have "erased" some of the good memories I have of her. I know, I KNOW, that her mental illness prevented her from being in control of herself, but... Those good memories are so few.
Perhaps it just so happened that most of the time I spent with her as a child, she was in part of a downswing. Although, apparently when she was on an upswing, she wasn't all that interested in spending time with her grandchildren. Yesterday, I learned she had a membership to a local vacation resort where she frequently went swimming, was "High Exalted Grand Matron" of one club, and the first woman president of another. All during the "golden years" of our relationship - some of which we lived on the same street. I didn't know her as that person, when she was around us she was Sedentary for the most part. That difference I can willingly accept as part of her illness and do not fault her for.
I had to stop for quite a while to tend to the kids so I've lost my train of thought.
Bottom line is I love her and wish there had been more good memories of time spent with her but I will always hold those few as precious.
Until a couple of weeks ago, I hadn't seen her in 10 or more years. She was manic-depressive and bi-polar. I don't understand the differences I just know those are the diagnoses. Her second husband was not a good man; he masqueraded as one and for a long time got away with it. He's still putting forth lies and excuses about what he did to my mother and sister. Grandmother chose to believe him and didn't seem content to ignore this vast difference of opinion when she was dealing with my mother. My mom was willing to try but was very anxious before contacting Grandmother and usually came away upset and crying. I chose to stand by my mother and sister and not cultivate a relationship with someone who hurt them so much. Though, in truth, it was a decision to protect myself as well.
It's not even just that she chose to believe him (although she did sometimes admit he may have done something he shouldn't have), it's the way she did it along with her other delusions. For instance she insisted that my parents left us children with her and her husband for 6 months while my parents gambled away their life savings in Las Vegas. This of course is part of the excuse for her husband's actions - they abandoned us so they are responsible for anything that may have happened so don't have the right to "complain" about it. Not that the time lines even match - what he did to my sister happened when I was 10 and this Las Vegas cover story would have taken place when I was 12.
In my mind, I lost my grandmother all those years ago. I've mourned the loss of her plenty. But now that she is actually gone I'm torn between keeping that separation and feeling like I should have tried to reach out more. I'm not sure it would have brought me any closer to her and it may have "erased" some of the good memories I have of her. I know, I KNOW, that her mental illness prevented her from being in control of herself, but... Those good memories are so few.
Perhaps it just so happened that most of the time I spent with her as a child, she was in part of a downswing. Although, apparently when she was on an upswing, she wasn't all that interested in spending time with her grandchildren. Yesterday, I learned she had a membership to a local vacation resort where she frequently went swimming, was "High Exalted Grand Matron" of one club, and the first woman president of another. All during the "golden years" of our relationship - some of which we lived on the same street. I didn't know her as that person, when she was around us she was Sedentary for the most part. That difference I can willingly accept as part of her illness and do not fault her for.
I had to stop for quite a while to tend to the kids so I've lost my train of thought.
Bottom line is I love her and wish there had been more good memories of time spent with her but I will always hold those few as precious.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Wailing hits a wall
Saturday night I ended up staying the night with my parents. I was just too tired to make the 40 minute drive home plus Hubby had a friend over watching a game so I knew he'd be no real help. Anyway, Littlest began to cry at 1:00am, no, not just cry - wail. This has been the case every night for close to 3 weeks. I'm so sleep deprived that I'm not sure when it started I remember going on a longish car trip on the 12th and being hopeful that I could nap since it had been several days since I had had a good night.
I digress. At 1:15am I called Hubby to say "Tomorrow night you are taking the kids and I don't care about your Monday" "OK" he said. I wisely shut off my cell after that. I'm sure he was bewildered, but had he wanted me to talk more I would have cussed him out - at a minimum. Not that I'm blaming him for the series of sleepless nights. It's more like no sleep and the wailing was making me rather angry feeling and I'm already just angry at him for lots of other things. Things I don't really bring up because they cause a fight. Anyway... That night was the worst so far, in terms of length of time wailing - 45 minutes. It's usually intermittent fussing, a couple of cries, and lots of thrashing around. At least that stuff is minimally invasive to your brain. Wailing, on the other hand, is grating and jarring at the same time. For you DIYers, imagine an impact drill and you're close.
It's a very lonely feeling to be trapped in a room with the reverberating wails of a child you would give your life for while you are saying, "Shut-up, shut-up, shut-up" under your breath the whole while. Especially if you have a particular aversion to the phrase "shut-up." After more than 30 minutes, I had to put Littlest down. I was exhausted in every way and nothing seemed to help anyhow. 10 minutes later I tried again and after another 5 minutes Littlest was finally asleep!
Last night, at 10pm I took 2 Tylenol PM and went to sleep around 11:30. Hubby took care of Littlest who had another fussy night. I only woke up at 3am, took another 1 T.PM and struggled to get out of bed at 8:30 this morning. Hubby slept until 9, oops! But like I said, I didn't care what that meant to his schedule. I could have had Friday night to do this if he hadn't decided to go to a bar at 11pm or Saturday if he hadn't had a friend over. I'm nowhere near caught up on sleep, but if you've been in this situation you know how much that 1 night helped my spirits. I actually had fun today! Now, if only we all can sleep through the night - all at the same time - life in general would improve.
I digress. At 1:15am I called Hubby to say "Tomorrow night you are taking the kids and I don't care about your Monday" "OK" he said. I wisely shut off my cell after that. I'm sure he was bewildered, but had he wanted me to talk more I would have cussed him out - at a minimum. Not that I'm blaming him for the series of sleepless nights. It's more like no sleep and the wailing was making me rather angry feeling and I'm already just angry at him for lots of other things. Things I don't really bring up because they cause a fight. Anyway... That night was the worst so far, in terms of length of time wailing - 45 minutes. It's usually intermittent fussing, a couple of cries, and lots of thrashing around. At least that stuff is minimally invasive to your brain. Wailing, on the other hand, is grating and jarring at the same time. For you DIYers, imagine an impact drill and you're close.
It's a very lonely feeling to be trapped in a room with the reverberating wails of a child you would give your life for while you are saying, "Shut-up, shut-up, shut-up" under your breath the whole while. Especially if you have a particular aversion to the phrase "shut-up." After more than 30 minutes, I had to put Littlest down. I was exhausted in every way and nothing seemed to help anyhow. 10 minutes later I tried again and after another 5 minutes Littlest was finally asleep!
Last night, at 10pm I took 2 Tylenol PM and went to sleep around 11:30. Hubby took care of Littlest who had another fussy night. I only woke up at 3am, took another 1 T.PM and struggled to get out of bed at 8:30 this morning. Hubby slept until 9, oops! But like I said, I didn't care what that meant to his schedule. I could have had Friday night to do this if he hadn't decided to go to a bar at 11pm or Saturday if he hadn't had a friend over. I'm nowhere near caught up on sleep, but if you've been in this situation you know how much that 1 night helped my spirits. I actually had fun today! Now, if only we all can sleep through the night - all at the same time - life in general would improve.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
I just don't understand him
The other night Hubby picks up some sandwiches for the 2 of us, for dinner. I have ordered a "wrap" or "rolled" sandwich with grilled chicken strips and ranch dressing while he had sliced turkey on wheat with 1000 isle dressing. He comes home and begins eating. I finish fixing the kids' dinner and retire to our bedroom to have a little quiet. I open up the wrapper and find it is not my order. I ask him what he ordered for me and he realizes he has my sandwich. In those few minutes, not only did he start eating a sandwich that was completely different than what he ordered, he ate more than half of it, and he was eating both halves stacked on top of each other. His consolation is to offer to go out and pick up a desert for me, but the offer includes that he waits until after his TV sports event comes to a break.
How do you eat so mindlessly that you don't notice that what you're putting in your mouth is completely different than what you're expecting? At the very least, you should notice after the first bite. How does dessert replace a healthy protein sandwich? How is it fair that I should have to wait nearly an hour before getting replacement food?
I don't understand his relationship with food. I don't understand how he complains so much about his weight, yet does nothing about it. I think he's put on about 130 pounds since we met. If I put on that much, or even a ratio of that much, there is no way he wouldn't be hounding me about it, especially if he had only gained 10 pounds in the same time. By the way, an equal ratio of weight gain would result in 208 pounds on my 5'2 frame.
I don't want to belittle him, but I don't know how to approach this issue - AT ALL. I mainly stay silent. He has asked me directly if his weight turns me off and I answered honestly. (It doesn't. However, I didn't add that it doesn't inspire me either.) I want to be a supportive wife in this, but he needs a kick in the butt. Well, really he needs that in many areas of his life - our life.
Anything I say is taken as offensive because he is not happy either. So, I just can't do anything, but watch his health, mental and physical, continue to decline. I guess it's not nothing, but I can only shop in a fairly healthful manner though I have no control of how much he eats or the fact that he persists in eating fast food every day for lunch. What is the spouse supposed to do?
How do you eat so mindlessly that you don't notice that what you're putting in your mouth is completely different than what you're expecting? At the very least, you should notice after the first bite. How does dessert replace a healthy protein sandwich? How is it fair that I should have to wait nearly an hour before getting replacement food?
I don't understand his relationship with food. I don't understand how he complains so much about his weight, yet does nothing about it. I think he's put on about 130 pounds since we met. If I put on that much, or even a ratio of that much, there is no way he wouldn't be hounding me about it, especially if he had only gained 10 pounds in the same time. By the way, an equal ratio of weight gain would result in 208 pounds on my 5'2 frame.
I don't want to belittle him, but I don't know how to approach this issue - AT ALL. I mainly stay silent. He has asked me directly if his weight turns me off and I answered honestly. (It doesn't. However, I didn't add that it doesn't inspire me either.) I want to be a supportive wife in this, but he needs a kick in the butt. Well, really he needs that in many areas of his life - our life.
Anything I say is taken as offensive because he is not happy either. So, I just can't do anything, but watch his health, mental and physical, continue to decline. I guess it's not nothing, but I can only shop in a fairly healthful manner though I have no control of how much he eats or the fact that he persists in eating fast food every day for lunch. What is the spouse supposed to do?
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
6 degrees of separation
Why is it that I am able to keep a positive spin on things when they are happening to other people? If I was in their same situation I'd think or feel similarly. I met with 2 friends today that I'd really like to know better (yay). One was worried if a single witnessed event was a pattern for her sister when she is alone. I was able to think of a few different reasons why that may have happened, but if I was really worried about my sister I probably wouldn't be able to do that. The other said she had an irrational fear when she was a child and I was able to think of a plausible reason why it might not be. In my experience, when I believe my feelings are irrational, I feel more out of control in general. And I feel guilty for having that feeling in the first place. I have no delusions of being a psycho-anaylist, but I hope even that seed helped. I have a big fear, I actually hope it's irrational. I can't even talk about it to anyone other than my husband. It would be nice if someone said "No, this detail of your life makes it not so likely to happen."
If I was able to achieve this separation from my problems would I be able to handle them better? Able to solve them? My issues, I think, are normal: stress, marriage, household, children, money, health. I'm not so self absorbed to think I have a terrible life, nor am I still afraid that I'm the only one who feels this way. I still feel these things and I still feel guilty for feeling them. C'est la vie?
If I was able to achieve this separation from my problems would I be able to handle them better? Able to solve them? My issues, I think, are normal: stress, marriage, household, children, money, health. I'm not so self absorbed to think I have a terrible life, nor am I still afraid that I'm the only one who feels this way. I still feel these things and I still feel guilty for feeling them. C'est la vie?
Monday, January 21, 2008
There it goes again
Perhaps blogging is an art form. If so, that is why it seems to allude me. I am a very frustrated artist/crafter/decorative artist/writer/poet. You name it and I have some interest in it, but can't do it. From the time I was able to critique myself, I haven't liked the art that I've produced. I see these beautiful things in my head and for one reason or another I am not able to reproduce them. My attempts are often left unfinished or put in the trash. I'm always lacking in some thing: time, materials, skill, or ability. Then frequently, even when I do have those things, the image flits away from me like a butterfly. It's always just out of reach and the more I pursue it the harder it is to catch.
Lately, I've been feeling the pain of this more acutely. Is it aging? Is it being a busy mother? Is it just an extension of my general feeling of dissatisfaction? I don't know, but it hurts more now than ever. If I do get the time, will I be satisfied with the results? I can only hope to have the chance to find out.
Lately, I've been feeling the pain of this more acutely. Is it aging? Is it being a busy mother? Is it just an extension of my general feeling of dissatisfaction? I don't know, but it hurts more now than ever. If I do get the time, will I be satisfied with the results? I can only hope to have the chance to find out.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Does this make me look fat?
I'm not sure blogging is a good fit for me. I've been trying to write about the past few very stressful days of being a mom and it isn't going so well. I keep getting off track and being long winded. I'm wondering if I can write about my actual feelings in a way that anyone, myself included, would one day want to read.
This is hard!
I am surprised at how hard it has been to get a post up. Technical difficulties aside, it has been very hard to keep a coherent thought running while exposed to my children. Wait - why am I surprised by that? In e-mail I can type a few sentences here and there and an hour later, voila a disjointed note is on its way.
I'm also finding that simply knowing I have this outlet seems to have diminished my inner need for it. Although, that may be due to the cycle of my hormones, which were probably the reason this blog was created anyway. Yes, I'm a woman, I have hormone related mood swings, get over it.
The times I need to vent the most are the times when I am the most busy being overrun by my household and family. The times when I'd like to boast are when I'm busy enjoying my family or correcting my household. Low energy and PPD tend to lean towards quiet brooding, or even not so quiet brooding, but they don't lend themselves to inspirational writing.
I'm curious as to how long I will keep the idea that I'll keep a blog or if this will get chalked up to "Silly Mommy."
I'm also finding that simply knowing I have this outlet seems to have diminished my inner need for it. Although, that may be due to the cycle of my hormones, which were probably the reason this blog was created anyway. Yes, I'm a woman, I have hormone related mood swings, get over it.
The times I need to vent the most are the times when I am the most busy being overrun by my household and family. The times when I'd like to boast are when I'm busy enjoying my family or correcting my household. Low energy and PPD tend to lean towards quiet brooding, or even not so quiet brooding, but they don't lend themselves to inspirational writing.
I'm curious as to how long I will keep the idea that I'll keep a blog or if this will get chalked up to "Silly Mommy."
Friday, January 11, 2008
What Changed My Mind
So, if only a few days ago I didn't think I'd be a blogger, what changed my mind? Having PPD and no one to share my darkness with. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm unique in having PPD or in looking for an outlet to share myself. I was looking up something unrelated and came across a blog. I read it a little and something in it inspired me to look for some more. I found 5 that I've become infatuated with. This will wear off in time, I hope, but I find I keep checking their blogs to see if they've posted yet today. I thought, "If they can do it then so can I." Now, I'm not as brave and probably not as witty, but baby steps will do. As I sit here, it does strike me as a little weird. We will forever be anonymous and you may not even exist - meaning no one but me may ever read my posts. This will take some getting used to.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Hmmm, where to start
I don't know what I am doing but I'm doing it anyway. That goes for this blog and most any thing else I attempt. I think I know but when it comes down to it - I don't. For instance I have already decided: this will be a very selfish site where I can be concerned with only me; I will tell about my negative thoughts and bad days here so I can get them off my mind and focus on putting only the good things out in person; I will not allow comments to bother me or to allow them at all if that is a choice; and I won't fret about my grammar. Of course, if you asked me 2 days ago if I'd ever blog, I'd have said, "No way," but here I am starting one and wondering if it is punctuated correctly.
Speaking of grammar, over-use and misuse of quotation marks is one of my pet peeves. My blog title is in quotation marks because it is a quotation. I use that phrase at home when I make small mistake in the hopes that my children will learn it is OK to make little mistakes and not be angry or ashamed. I suspect that starting a blog may be a mistake, but I don't know.
Speaking of grammar, over-use and misuse of quotation marks is one of my pet peeves. My blog title is in quotation marks because it is a quotation. I use that phrase at home when I make small mistake in the hopes that my children will learn it is OK to make little mistakes and not be angry or ashamed. I suspect that starting a blog may be a mistake, but I don't know.
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